Do you wonder why you’re never happy with your partner once you get into a committed relationship? Do you find that you start blaming them for not meeting your needs, but you fail to express it outwardly and it turns into resentment and anger?

Do you find yourself repeating the same patterns over and over and you’re starting to realize that maybe you’re a part of the problem?

Have you read all the expert advice and tried to apply it but find that it never works for some reason despite your best efforts?

Well, today I’m going to tell you why.  You’re Insecure in Love, How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy and Worried and What You Can Do About it by Leslie Becker Phillips PhD.

If you want to understand why you’re like this and to how to fix it a great start is the book Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment

What you’ll learn through this book is why nurturing or lack thereof in childhood transfers into adult relationships and is a gigantic reason, if not a primary why you struggle in relationships more than others.

Those with Attachment Related Anxiety (Anxious Attachment) stems from the feeling that you want to be close to people emotionally, but you fear they don’t want the same amount of closeness that you crave so you live in constant fear and tend to create self-fulfilling prophecies that push them away.

On the opposite side of the spectrum is those with Attachment Related Avoidance (Avoidant Attachment) who are self-sufficient, independent and who fear enmeshment and close, committed relationships.

The biggest problem is that the Avoidant and the Anxious are generally drawn to each other which is a recipe for disaster!

The book is broken down into Three Major Sections the first of which is:

Understanding Why You Relate the Way You Do

This section discusses figuring out your attachment style, where it likely generated and gives some exercises to help you figure it out if you’re unsure.

The author goes into the differences between those who are securely attached versus those who are Anxious or Avoidant and how that impacts relationships.

The Anxious will always be on the look out for possible problems within the relationship and will be overly sensitive to negative feelings and thoughts. If this is you then you’re likely chronically overwhelmed, vulnerable and needy.

If your partner avoids or minimizes feelings or suppresses avoid or ignores or emotions or beliefs, he or she is likely an Avoidant.

If you are in a relationship with an Avoidant you will be in a constant push/pull that will never be healthy and you will never feel secure and loved. Although you may desire change it is unlikely (but not entirely impossible) the Avoidant feels the need to change.

Part Two Focuses on Discovering Your Potential, Being Worthy of Love

First you must open the door to change and look in the mirror and realize you may be seeing things through a filtered lens. You must be willing to question your beliefs and your self-perceptions, so you can get out of the cycle of self-doubt.

The author goes through the terminology you need to know so you can identify the thoughts and beliefs that go on inside your head.

You will learn terms such as confirmation bias, self-verification, selective attention, selective memory, selective interpretation and how these negatively reaffirm your constant anxiety. Basically, when your partner treated you in a way that fits with your belief you feel validated and it feels familiar even if it’s painful and unfulfilling.

The first step is recognizing the thought patterns. Then, you want to look at whether you’re in a Pursuit-Withdrawal Dynamic with your partner. This is the standard push/pull that goes in circles and is never resolved. The Anxious needs and demands attention while the Avoidant pushes back, reinforcing the belief that you aren’t lovable or worthy of love.

She gives more exercises and examples to help you understand your relationship dynamics, whether they are serving and what you play in your unhappiness/dissatisfaction.

The last Section is the Antidote to Relationship Anxiety

For those of us who have Anxious Attachment the path to security is not so easily paved. You can’t just convince yourself that you deserve love by thinking it over and over because the beliefs are down in your core and you need to break those down and then build yourself back up again.

The author goes in depth discussing how to build yourself up and give exercises for distinguishing thoughts from emotions, changing your thought bubble, identifying emotions, creating and integrating mindfulness, and how to develop compassion for yourself.

Lastly, she discusses goals for a healthy relationship. Basically, if you are in a relationship with a distant or hostile person you’re going to feel alone and abandoned no matter what and they are not a good match.

She goes through the list of traits you should look for in a partner and what you should look out for, so you don’t stay with someone who isn’t capable of meeting your needs.

I can tell you from personal experience that I dated an Avoidantly attached individual for over two years. It was torture, yet I craved it because it felt so comfortable and safe (totally like my mother). When things ended, I spent a few years working on myself, self-esteem, understand anxious attachment and changing my thought patterns.

Three years later I met another man who I learned quickly was also avoidantly attached. Naturally there was a certain chemistry, but I had enough awareness at this time to end things and not waste my time knowing how it would be.

Ten months later I met my current boyfriend who is very secure and that has helped change my life. I was extremely anxious for the first year. I was petrified most of the time. Nonetheless, I kept working on myself, my anxious thoughts and facing my fears that he would leave or didn’t really want me and didn’t really care.

He stayed and was reassuring. I learned and grew. One day I realized I was no longer scared. I felt secure enough to handle whatever may come up between us. The anxious attachment that had been running my life for so long was but a memory. I can tell you from personal experience when this happens your entire world will change and you will be free.

This post contains affiliate links. Please see our disclaimer.