“We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

I know you see quotes, memes and stories all over Facebook and Instagram that tell you no one will love you unless you love yourself.

In fact, the other day I saw a few quotes which said:

“The best relationships are built on a foundation of two people who were already happy before they met” and
“The fastest way to get hurt is by expecting to be loved by someone who hasn’t learned to love themselves.”

I had to stop and think about these for a moment and I concluded that they are both a bit judgmental and false.

If you’ve read any of my prior blog posts you know I reference Attachment Theory quite a bit.  Those of us that have fundamental insecurities find love and relationships difficult to maneuver at times.

We aren’t always one hundred percent secure with ourselves, our actions or what it feel like to be loved by others.  For more on Attachment Theory read here: Why Attachment Styles Can Make or Break Your Success In Love and Why You Feel Anxious in Relationships and How To Stop and Why You’re Anxious In Relationships – Part II

But, I can tell you that having all this conflict doesn’t mean you can’t fully love and it doesn’t mean someone can’t love you and it doesn’t mean you can’t find peace and happiness in a relationship. What it means is that your road will be bumpier, you’ll have more ups and downs and you’ll question things more than most.

I’m also here to tell you that’s perfectly okay and you shouldn’t let some stupid quote make you feel like you or your life isn’t enough or isn’t right or that you’re doing things all wrong.

I’ll use myself as an example.

My History in a Nutshell

After seven years of sexual abuse I found myself starting high school with suppressed memories and a ton of anger. Suddenly I was mad. I had no idea why. I stopped caring about school, I hated my parents, I hated myself. I was pissed to the nth degree.

I began acting out. After being an A/B student all my life I came home with D’s and F’s. I started drinking. I started raging and yelling and slamming doors. I stayed away from home as much as possible by making friends with older kids.

At fifteen I had stole a check from my parents and hopped on a Greyhound  from the Bay Area to Los Angeles. Eventually, my parents figured out where I was and when I got home my father refused to speak to me and my mom was at a loss as to what to do.

Soon after they shipped me down to live with my Aunt and Uncle in Orange County California. I never realized it at the time but being sent away severely affected me.

Not only had I been a victim of continued sexual abuse which left my self-esteem in the garbage, it seemed my own family didn’t know what to do with me (they didn’t know about the abuse at the time) and instead of supporting me they sent me away. I’m sure they didn’t see it that way and I’m sure they wanted what was best for me, but it didn’t feel that way at the time.

I felt unlovable. I felt like everything about me wasn’t enough and that even those who loved me didn’t want to be around me.  From that point forward, I began to run (literally and figuratively). I ran away from myself for the next thirty years.

I have moved twenty-one times, gone through ten jobs and five serious relationships.  I never gave myself fully to anyone or anything with an open heart because I was afraid if they really knew me they would send me away or leave me.

Sound familiar?

What is it you believe about yourself that keeps you from opening up?  Do you believe you can still be enough without being perfect and without loving yourself every minute of the day?

How It Changed

Fast forward to the present.  From then until now I didn’t sit idly by feeling sorry for myself. I went through years of therapy, including EMDR, CBT, RTT and read book after book after book and kept working on my self-esteem.

I’m still not naturally one-hundred percent confident. It can wax and wane, but overall, I don’t feel like a miserable, worthless, unlovable person anymore.

Then, I met him. My guy. A little over 2 years ago, the Universe gave me an amazing gift by bringing me someone who is wholly non-judgmental (I tend to judge myself harshly at times), easy-going (I am total Type A), honest, kind and supportive. Most importantly the Universe brought me someone who never freaks out no matter what.

You don’t always get what you want, but you’ll get what you need

When we first started dating there were times I was sure he was tired of me. Pretty much every day I thought about leaving him. The fear of being hurt was overwhelming. I wanted to run.

But, I didn’t run and I kept on working on myself and my communication skills. I worked on standing in my truth and asserting my needs (still a struggle at times).

I can be moody and fussy and introspective. I think too much and often fear the worst. I am prone to bouts of anxiety and fits of mild depression. I can be quiet. I can be judgmental. Despite it all, he still loves and accepts me for me.

I’ve never been one of those magically always happy people, but does that mean I don’t deserve love or that I’m not capable of loving someone? No way!

The same goes for you. YOU DESERVE LOVE EVEN IF YOU DON’T LOVE YOURSELF 100%

It’s true that you can’t hate yourself and find true love because the person you attract will likely be someone who hates themselves too. But, if you’re a work in progress and you’re finding ways every day to love yourself and do your best then that’s enough.

Don’t let anyone make you feel like you aren’t going have a great relationship until you’re magically healed of your past hurts or until you’ve become a fully securely attached individual, because, let’s be honest, that isn’t likely to happen.

Today, you are enough. Others can help you see that you are lovable and although they can’t fill an emptiness in your heart they can put band-aids on the cuts and scrapes and bruises and they can help you feel like everything will be all right.

Don’t give up.