Start by doing what’s necessary; then do what’s possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible. -Francis of Assisi

Life is complicated. Experts tell you that you should, “just leave him, because he isn’t your husband.”  Girls give these big long explanations about their emotionally unavailable, or ambivalent partners and the answer is always the same. “Leave him”.  Really dude?  Not helpful.

Do you think she hasn’t thought about that? Do you think most people don’t ride the fence wondering what love IS versus what it’s SUPPOSED to BE?  Do you know?

When I was with my massively avoidant ex I couldn’t leave him if I tried.  Did I KNOW I should leave him in the back of my mind?  Yes, of course. Could I actually do, it? No.

A year and a half into the relationship I remember going to visit him. He was charming as usual. Everything seemed fine.  We’d go to the shooting range. He would shoot. I would cry.   I knew it didn’t really matter all that much whether I was there or not. Was it nice for him? Yes. Did it matter fundamentally? No.

I would ask him, “is it time to break up?  I’m not happy?”  His reply would always be an emphatic, “NO”.  He didn’t want to commit to me, yet he didn’t want to let me go and I blame myself for allowing that to be okay for so long.

However, as I’ve learned….all things change in time. So, I gave up trying to leave. I knew one day things would change and I figured I’d enjoy the time that we had together. So, I did.

After that fateful day we went to Greece and the Amazon Jungle, Copacabana in Rio, ventured into La Paz and Isla Del Sol and we even road the Death Road in Bolivia.  To this day, its an experience I’ll never forget.

So, what does it all mean?

Sometimes things seem horrible. They seem unbearable.  You feel like you’re stupid and being taken advantage of and maybe you are.  But, just maybe there are kernels of truth and kernels of learning in that misery that you don’t realize are occurring at the time.

Everything changes in time. Everything.

Remember when you were sixteen and everything seemed so dramatic?  You thought the world would come to an end because you wanted your freedom. and no one seemed to understand you.

Then time passed and every year you learned more and more about yourself.  You made the separation between immaturity and adulthood (at least I hope so) and you viewed the world through a different lens.

As we grow, we change. As we learn we evolve.  What you didn’t know at sixteen you learned at twenty-five.  Don’t beat yourself up for where you are or what you’re learning at whatever pace.

What am I saying?

I’m not saying you should stay with someone who is physically or emotionally abusive, because that’s a deal-breaker. I’m not saying you should demean yourself or have insufficient boundaries such that you’re not standing up for yourself.

What I am saying is that sometimes you don’t know so don’t beat yourself up.  Sometimes you’re exploring your boundaries.  Sometimes you’re figuring out what love means.  Sometimes you’re trying to determine whether the problem is you or them or both of you and that’s okay

Sometimes you don’t know who you are or what you need and that’s OKAY.  Stop letting  so called “experts” tell you where you should be.

You are where you are and that’s okay.

Do I wish my life path was easier? Yes.

Do I believe the I can somehow ignore my fundamental distrust and fear of people, be completely vulnerable and let someone into my world without questioning their motives? Absolutely.  However, tht isn’t the way it is and to go against the truth is a waste of time, energy and momentum.

You are where you are.  So, if you aren’t sure what to do then I say don’t do anything.

Just for now.