“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” – Dr. Seuss

Tonight I was walking home and there were two little girls with their father. One was on his shoulders and one was playing on her scooter. The little one was saying, “I’m on daddy’s shoulders” and she kept repeating it while the older one, who was maybe six was riding in front of them.

It was the sweetest, purest, simplest thing I had seen in a long time and as I walked past them I began to sob uncontrollably.

I don’t know why but I suddenly connected to these girls. I saw myself in both of them. I was them. I am them.

For the first time in a long time I saw myself at six years old…. I could really see the truth of that age. I saw this little girl for everything she was at six years old: the height, the size, the understanding, the innocence. I saw myself.

Why Abuse Sucks More Than You Know

Those of us who are sexual abuse survivors tell our story. We say things like, “I was molested by x, y z.” or “I was molested for this period of my life” or “so and so took advantage of me for years” and we say it and we say it as if it means something. We say it as if we think others can understand.

But, honestly, it’s just a story to everyone else.

When you recapitulate your story, you act as if everything is fine. In your adult mind, you understand that you are no longer a child and you tell yourself, “by god I should have a handle on it all of this and I should be over it by now.”

But, honestly, it’s a lie

The truth is that for the first time in my life I saw myself. I saw my true self. I was transported back to that time when I was innocent and free.

For the first time in my life I felt myself. I felt the betrayal, the disappointment, the aloneness, the survival, the utter emptiness of knowing that no one would save me and that I had to save myself.

I cried wanting to know why no one came to save that little girl.

Maybe I should be over it by now. Maybe I should have processed it all. Maybe this trauma is only holding me back and keeping me stuck.

Intellectually I understand this. Intellectually I have been trying to push the truth of my existence to the lower depths of my existence because to confront the betrayal and the loss would just be too much.

But, it has come to the point where I can no longer hold it in. Every tool in my arsenal has abandoned me and every false support system I set in place is no longer serving.

So, for those of you who listen to someone say they were abused or molested and you nod and say, “I’m sorry” I thank you, but you really don’t know and you really have no idea how the utter betrayal fights its way into the depths of your soul and lives there.

Do you think I want to live with this? Do you think anyone wants to live in pain and mistrust and betrayal? Of course not. No one wants this. No one asks for this

Finding A New Way

The truth is until you can face the truth and until you can feel the feelings and until you can recognize that scared, innocent, abandoned and mistreated little boy or girl in you then you will never heal.

The only way to reconnect with the truth of who you are is to see yourself back at the age when your innocence was stolen.

If you have children try watching them when they play and if you don’t have children then go to the park and watch them there.

Every day you wake up you must remember that you did not have adult capabilities when this happened and you did not have adult knowledge or adult reasoning.

Every day when you wake up think back to those times when you were innocent and free. In a recent therapy session, I remembered how much I used to love my Holly Hobby Oven. It was like an Easy Bake Oven, but with Holly Hobby instead.

Thinking back, it’s rather hilarious. You put water into the cake mix and dump it in the tiny little tin and then your cake bakes under a lightbulb. When completed you slather it with this gooey frosting and eat it.

I was so utterly pleased by baking a cake. I was content to create something that was my own. I used to bake those things like crazy.

These are the types of things you need to remember. What were the simple things that brought joy to your life during those times when things were bad? What did you do for fun and what did you play with?

I can guarantee you didn’t sit around thinking bad things about yourself like, “What if I bake this cake and it sucks?” or “What if no one likes my cake?” or “I’m a really crappy cake baker”. When you were a child you were free from judgment both internal and external.

Go back there. Live in that space. You are safe now and no one can hurt you. Be free. Find yourself. I know you’re in there.