“Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in this world.” – Helen Keller

Always Take That Call

Tonight, I was speaking with a friend.  He did not have a happy childhood and like many of it influenced his life.

On top of the unhappy childhood, he suffered some severe trauma as a soldier in Iraq.  He was a witness to his best friend having his head blown to pieces right in front of him.  He told me this story one long night years ago. It was a story that I will never forget.

He recently found out another friend had died in Afghanistan and it sent him into a dark spiral. He was depressed, anxious and miserable. He was trying to get treatment through the VA. He was lost. He didn’t know what to do.  He only new he needed help.

The thing is…he called me during his dark period and I was so self-absorbed that I didn’t pick up the phone.  I saw him calling and I ignored it.

Why did I ignore his call?  I was thinking about how he made me mad about something or other and that it wasn’t healthy for me to be around him and/or engage with him.  I was completely lacking empathy.  I was lacking insight. I was seeing life through my limited, small lens.  I was not being a good friend.

Just because others are not what we want them to be doesn’t mean we should ignore them.  Granted, he and I have not been the best of friends and no, he is not always the most positive, productive person to be around.  But, he is my friend. I care about his well being and I should have thought about someone other than myself for a minute.

Getting Out of Self Pity

I ignored his call because I believed I was “protecting myself”.  But, what  he taught me tonight is that we are all connected.   People come into your life for a reason. The question is what you do with the information.

I’m not saying to stay with an abusive alcoholic or a domestic abuser.  I’m saying we all need to try to understand where others are coming from and why they suffer.  We need to have some empathy and look outside ourselves.

Just because their struggle is not our own does not mean their struggle is less than ours or their struggles are not important.  Yes, my ex-boyfriend just treated me like absolute crap.  Yes, I’ve been overwhelmed with trying to try and create a new life for myself.  Yes, I just had a fight with my mother.  But, are any of those life and death issues?  Are any of those reasons to ignore someone who you suspect may be in pain?  Not for me they aren’t.

Talking with my friend made me realize that we cannot live in a world of self-pity and self absorbtion.  Everyone has a story.  Everyone has a past.  Everyone has a struggle.

What matters is what we do to help others.  What matters is that we stop wallowing in self pity and see the world that exists outside ourselves.  Only then can we be free.

Yes, we need to help ourselves.  But, I believe that we need to do more.  We need to see more and care more and understand more. We need to help ourselves by helping others.

I don’t really know if I can help or how I can help or if he wants my help, but I will help if there is the remotest chance I can do any good.

Maybe I didn’t know he was so lost.   But, maybe I should have known.  Maybe I have known him long enough to know that if he calls something is wrong.

As much as I have suffered my own trauma and as much as I understand the nature of PTSD and as much as I try to forgive myself for not knowing, I’m not sure I can forgive myself if I live with a lack of compassion.  Can you?

What to Do Instead

Does that fight with your boyfriend really mean all that much?  Does the criticism from your job really impact your life in such serious amounts?  We all do the best we can with what we have, but let’s be honest….some traumas run deeper than others.

Never forget that you are not the only one with problems.  Never forget that others have lived and died to give you the freedom to breathe the air you breathe.

Talking to my friend kicked my ass out of self-pity.  What will it take to kick you out of yours?  Are your problems insurmountable or are they really miniscule in comparison to some?

Everyone has a right to be insecure.  Everyone has a right to be unsure of what to do or where to go.  Everyone can feel lost and feel alone.  But, next time you think or feel these things ask yourself if they are really life or death.  Are your feelings really something that need to take over your life, your being, your existence?

I’m not sure if the repetitive trauma of sexual abuse equates to the trauma of war as I have never been in war and I have never seen war.  I’m not sure if I have the right to even say I have PTSD from my years of abuse.

What I do know is that I’m not living in that place of abuse anymore and if I can stop living in fear and start seeing the world around me and empathize with the struggles of others I will be a better person.  Will you?  Can you?