“How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.” – Wayne Dyer

Sometimes you’re confused about whether you should stay in your relationship or whether you should go.  What if you still love them, but you aren’t happy? What if you wake up every day wondering if its you or them or the relationship? What if you start to pick apart every little thing they do or don’t do or you’re always focusing on what you aren’t getting and what you think you deserve?

Let’s be clear about what a relationship is and what it isn’t.  A relationship isn’t where you go to get every single need you have met. A relationship isn’t where you go to find a constant companion so you’re never alone ever again. A relationship isn’t where you go to project your fantasies, fears or insecurities. Although this does happen, it shouldn’t be the reason you get into or stay in a relationship.

The purpose of a relationship is to magnify the human experience. What that means is, whatever you want to experience (love, growth, connection, security) you want to share that feeling with someone else because it brings you joy to share it with another.  A relationship is where you learn to give love without motivation of getting something in return.

I truly believe that you should work on improving yourself before you immediately leave a relationship because we attract what we need and not what we want and we need to be clear about who we are and what we deserve.

If you jump out of one relationship and into another without looking at yourself, you’ll wind up right back where you started with the same person in different form.

However, there are reasons you should definitely leave a relationship.

Now, I’m not saying to give up on a relationship before you’ve tried your hardest and given what you can.

Many people say, “I’ve tried everything.” Well, no you haven’t because if you had tried everything you would know. You tried a lot of things that didn’t work. Did you try something new? Did you try giving in a way they heard and understood and needed or only in a way you wanted, or you needed?

It can be super hard to decide when to leave a relationship, but I believe there are some, no doubt about it, reasons you should go.

Reason #1: There’s No Communication

If you can’t share who you are, and they can’t or won’t share who they are then you have no relationship. If they come home from work every day and turn on the television and grunt once in awhile you need to consider leaving. I say consider, because that’s a last resort if you’ve tried to talk to them and failed.

I dated a guy for about three months who was open at first. Basically he tricked me into thinking he was communicative.  But after he was comfortable and thought he “had me” he completely stopped sharing.  He would get out of bed on the weekends, go outside and get on his phone and spend the rest of the morning glued to Facebook.  He was comfortable with that. I was not. If you can’t share yourself with me then I have nothing more to give. It didn’t last much longer.

If you’re partner isn’t open to communicating make sure you ask yourself if you’re communicating your needs and feelings in a supportive, non-attacking manner before you decide to leave. If you’re constantly telling your partner what they do wrong or why what they do isn’t enough then they’re going to shut down and that lack of communication is on both of you.

Reason #2: Physical or Emotional Abuse

If someone hits you get out. If someone continually puts you down, insults you, demeans you or makes you feel incompetent or unattractive-get out. There’s nothing that excuses this behavior.  Although someone who is physically or emotionally abusive is most likely just scared themselves and doesn’t know how to emote properly it isn’t your job to fix them, nor can you.

If you are stuck in a merry-go-round of emotions where they’re mean and then apologize and then mean and then apologize you need to do whatever you can to bolster your self esteem and leave them, especially if you have children. Unless they commit to working on themselves and actually do the work there is nothing you can do for them.

If you keep attracting partners who are abusive then you have some work to do on yourself and I suggest you do it before you move onto the next person or you’ll end up repeating the pattern all over again.  When I left my emotionally abusive ex it took me a year because I had to re-establish my sense of self and bolster up my self-esteem.  Once I had done that I never looked back and I’ve never had a remotely abusive ex since.

Reason #3: The Sex Sucks Or Is Non-Existent

Let’s be honest, bad sex is not something anyone wants to deal with especially for prolonged periods. Sex is about more than just the physical act. Sex is about chemistry and connection and if there is not connection there is no relationship.

You may have different sexual preferences/styles and that’s perfectly okay. Your partner might be more vanilla while you’re a little more racy or experimental. That isn’t a reason to leave. Talk to them about your fantasies and what you would like and see what they’re open to trying or not trying.

The only time trying would be a deal breaker is when your partner wants to be a swinger or is polyamorous and you are not. Don’t change for them.

But, if the sex is routine and robotic and they could care less about it then you aren’t bonding and there isn’t any likelihood it will suddenly change (without a lot of work), so you might as well move on.

Reason #4: Dishonesty

We all (okay, I don’t, but most do) tell little white lies. Guys especially dread hurting your feelings or doing anything that won’t make you happy, so they lie about the little stuff in hopes of avoiding conflict. Little white lies are acceptable.  For example, my guy told me he had his Aunt pick out my birthday present over the holiday when I knew for darn well he got it at the last minute at the airport! No big deal. Ultimately his motives were pure.

Big lies, dishonesty, cheating or lies by omission are not okay. If your partner is withholding information from you that’s a bad sign. If they lie about who they were with or where they are going or what they are doing it’s a bad sign.

Even if he lies to you because you won’t “let him” go out with the guys and he wants to go and not make you mad, it’s no bueno. One: you shouldn’t ever tell a guy he can’t go out with friends and Two: he shouldn’t lie about it if he does. This indicates issues of trust between the couple which means the relationship is in trouble.

If your partner is cheating on you its for one of two reasons. The first is they are just a scumbag loser (which isn’t generally the case) and the second is they are not getting their needs met (which isn’t an excuse but is something that can be worked on).

If they cheat for the first reason, then leave them. If for the second it will take a lot of honesty, work, commitment and change but it is possible to save your relationship, but you have to decide you are really and truly willing to forgive. Serious dishonesty is a deal-breaker.

Now, we come to the Reasons Why You Think You Should Leave, But You Shouldn’t

Reason #1: You’re Complete Opposites

Yes, opposites attract, but as a relationship develops the differences start to become more noticeable. However, this isn’t a reason to end a relationship, although it may feel like it at times.  What you used to think was cute and funny is now becoming irritating and frustrating.

My boyfriend is very masculine. I’m feminine. He’s logical. I’m intuitive. He’s world smart. I’m book smart.  Our differences drew us together, but there are times he irritates the bloody hell out of me with his uber masculinity and logistician self.  I do my best to always remember these are reasons I fell in love with him instead of using it against him.  He can’t change his nature anymore than I can.

Differences create variety. Differences keeps the spark going. Try to always remember why you fell in love with your partner in the first place and focus on what you love about them and why and don’t focus on what you don’t like.

Remember, what you focus on magnifies.

Reason #2: The Chemistry Isn’t Off the Charts

Massive amounts of chemistry can be a bad sign in a relationship. Too much chemistry can mean your attachment system has been triggered and that is usually a recipe for disaster my friend. Trust me I know. If you don’t know what Attachment Theory is, you can read more here: Why Attachment Styles Can Make or Break Your Success In Love.

When I first met my ex-boyfriend massive alarm bells went off. I had butterflies in my stomach. I felt immediately and crazily attracted to him. Why could this be? Well, I’ll tell you – I’m an insecurely attached individual and he’s an Avoidantly attached individual and although those types tend to be drawn towards each other they rarely make for a stable or happy relationship.

We had amazing chemistry, but not much else. His continued need for space and my continued desire to be close kept us in constant turmoil. I kept hoping he would bond and he never would. Chemistry alone isn’t enough.

Chemistry is important, but, finding someone who shares your values and your vision for the future is more important. Don’t choose chemistry over caring as I wrote in this blog post: Why Strong Chemistry Doesn’t Always Lead to a Strong Relationship

Reason #3: You Can’t Seem to Communicate Properly

There is a difference between NO communication and struggling with communication. Men and women often misunderstand each other because we process emotions differently. If you want a better relationship you need to learn to understand your partner better. Why do they feel the way they feel? How do they communicate their love? Just because its different from yours doesn’t mean you aren’t right for each other.

Relationships are about giving love, not taking love and they are about developing a deep understanding, respect and friendship. Communication struggles are not a reason to end a relationship. Find out what your partner’s 6 Human Needs are and then do your best to try to meet those needs. You can take the test here: 6 Human Needs Test.

Learn about the differences between men and women and their communication styles and it will save you a lot of heartache. For example, always remember to give a man a “job” when you talk to him because that’s how he processes. Tell him, “Hey babe. Can you listen for five minutes? I just need to share. You don’t need to do anything.” Doing this will save massive amounts of frustration.

For the men, you need to realize that women talk just to talk. We have no point most of the time. Don’t try to fix the problem. We want to share so we feel closer. If you would like more guidance on this topic check out my Courses here: Acing Life Courses

Reason #4: You Don’t Have Any Hobbies In Common

I like to read books and go wine tasting. My boyfriend likes to snowboard and drinks beer. He likes anything extreme and I prefer things that are safer.

At first this seems like a total nightmare, but it’s all how you look at things. What if this is actually an amazing gift? I don’t have to snowboard if I don’t want to, but what if I push myself outside my comfort zone? What will I learn? The same goes for you. Try something new. Even if you don’t really like it, what if you do it because it makes the other person happy while at the same time you expand your experience?

The world doesn’t revolve around you and your needs so try and consider this when your partner has something they want to try that you aren’t comfortable with. Maybe you hate the cold. I hate the cold. But, so what. He likes it and every time we do activities together we bond. I’ve even gotten him to go to my favorite Italian restaurant on a regular basis that he used to think was too snobby. Just take a chance and try it!

In summary, there are a million reasons people think of to leave their relationships and some are valid. My belief is always, “Change yourself first and then your relationship changes” and if it doesn’t change get out.

That being said, the first four reasons listed above are pretty much deal-breakers for a relationship whereas the last four are reasons you might think you should leave, but, likely, it would be a mistake. Relationships aren’t always fun and games. Merging your life with another human being causes conflict because we are all trying to get our needs met to the best of our abilities.