“My whole philosophy is about doing, not talking.” – Sally Ride

I’m going to explain why you shouldn’t follow the thirty day No Contact Rule

If there’s one thing I hate, it’s being ignored. Being ignored triggers my childhood issues of not feeling seen or heard and makes me extremely anxious and irritated. A surefire way to get me to never talk to you again and to despise your very existence is to ignore me.

So, if an ex was trying some arbitrary 30 day no contact with me after I sent him a text how well do you think that would go over? It wouldn’t. In my mind ignoring me means you don’t care and the I start to shut you out emotionally and once I do that there’s no going back.

If you can relate let me hear you say, “that’s so me!”

Next, let me ask you what type of relationship you want? Do you want a relationship that’s based on arbitrary rules, tricks, magic texts, rudeness and distance or do you want a relationship that’s based on growth, understanding, learning and mutual respect?

Not everyone is ready for a grown-up relationship and if you must play games with someone to get their attention, then maybe you aren’t ready for a real relationship and that’s okay. Everyone comes to different points at different times in their lives.

The First Mistake I Made

I’ll give you an example of why a strict thirty days doesn’t work. When my current boyfriend and I had been dating about 2 and a half months he went home for an emergency, decided not to mention it to me and ignored me for three days. I was not secure in the relationship yet. We had not fully committed, and I was pissed.

How dare he treat me this way? After fuming for a bit, and at the prompting of a male friend who told me what to say, I sent him a text saying, “I get it. You’re not interested. Don’t ever contact me again.”

Wait, what? Uh oh. Did I really want to do that? Did I really say that? I knew I had made a mistake. I wasn’t ready to be done with him or with us. So, what to do?

Imagine if I had waited 30 days not to contact him when we had only been dating about 75 days. Ludicrous. He would have likely moved on or his feelings probably would have seriously waned.

So, I did a lot of reflecting on why I had acted that way. What was really going on that I felt so mad and was it really his fault or was I over-reacting? I realized that he had triggered my insecurity about feeling not important and it really wasn’t his responsibility to fix it and that I had acted out of fear and hurt instead of communicating this to him like an adult.

What Did I Do Next?

I wanted to fix this negative pattern at the same time I knew I couldn’t go back in and make it all about me or he’d likely be put off.

So, ten days later I called him to apologize for my behavior (expecting to get his voicemail) and damn if he didn’t pick up the phone. We had a nice long talk. I told him why I had done what I had done and took full responsibility.

I opened the door. After I opened the door, I let him be the one to walk in and contact me and when he did, I was always supportive, understanding and there for him while he was dealing with this family emergency.

For the time I put my own needs to the side because I knew that was the only thing that would work. He needed me to be there and I was. When he got back home, we were closer than ever and two months later he committed, and we’ve been together for two years now.

Don’t follow a hard and fast rule about no contact. There are a million factors that go into relationships that include personality, history, ability to communicate, family life, personal triggers, life experience and readiness to try again. Everyone reacts differently and putting a specific time frame on when you can suddenly text or call someone is ridiculous

The Real Reason Behind No Contact

There are absolutely times that you need to step back and not engage with your partner, but there’s no hard and fast rule about how long this should be. If you’re placing a time frame on the contact and making rules about when and how to implement or what you should say or when you should say it, you’re obsessing and that’s really the problem.

The reason you go no contact is, so you can each get some space from one another and this is totally normal and acceptable.

If you can’t “see the forest through the trees” so to speak then you’ll spin around in circles in your head trying to figure out how to fix everything and that never works.

No contact can be a positive experience or a negative one and the reason it won’t work for you is you’re not doing it for the right reasons. You can’t go No Contact because a book tells you to or because you think it’s the only way to get your partner back.

Why do people break up? According to relationship expert Neil Strauss people break up at the 2-3 year mark because they become disillusioned with who their partner really is or there’s a power struggle which lead to conflict and ultimately a break up.

Why Do People Break Up?

Let’s consider the reasons people break up:
• You fall out of love
• Someone cheats
• Emotional abuse
• Different Life Stages
• The person isn’t who you thought they were
• Different values
• Alcohol or drug abuse
• The relationship never progresses
• Emotional distance
• Fear of rejection (you break up with them before they break up with you)
• Neediness/Insecurity
• Lack of sexual intimacy
• Ongoing conflict/fighting

Recap on Why 30 Days No Contact is Stupid

Can you see how each problem may require a different resolution and how taking time away to assess your situation and determine whether getting back together is really a good idea?

When the heart is involved, we do crazy things. We can act in desperate demeaning ways. We can beg and plead and try to cajole someone to be with us or feel sorry for us. Some people even go so far as to threaten suicide which is a horrendous, selfish and self-serving tactic.

Whatever you do try not to dis-empower yourself. The reason for no contact is to get some ground underneath your feel so you don’t feel like you’re falling into a pit of despair if they don’t want you back right away.

Relax. Chill. Take some time and space. It will all work out as it should.