“Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.” Mother Teresa”
Do you ever wonder why you always feel alone and how to stop feeling that way? Do you ever wonder why? I know I do. Sometimes I think I have felt alone my entire life. I felt alone as a child and in my relationships. I felt alone when I was alone and when I was with people.
Do you wonder if it will ever change or how to change it? As I was pondering this issue of feeling alone I was struck by two separate concepts.
Concept One: To find peace you must look inward and feel whole and complete within yourself.
Concept Two: We all crave social connections to some extent in order to feel that we are not totally and completely alone.
What Does it Mean to Be Alone?
So, how do you reconcile these two concepts? The Buddha has a number of quotes that speak to the issue of finding peace within the self:
- “Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others.”
- “Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.”
- “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.”
Sometimes being alone is a good thing, especially if you are an introvert. We all need alone time to some extent. But, I’m not talking about those times when you want to be alone or need to recharge.
In this post, I’m talking about a fundamental feeling of emptiness inside that you feel no matter where you are or who you are with.
How do you fill this emptiness? How do you find peace within the self if you feel apart from the rest of humanity? How do you stop feeling so alone when in fact you are truly all alone? Where does this loneliness stem from?
So, what I think Buddha is trying to say is that you have to love yourself first and if you have a lack of self-love and if you continue to seek to fill your emptiness through others you will never find fulfillment. Is this true?
My Alone Story
I contemplate the question of loneliness quite often. Maybe I shouldn’t. Here’s what I know. I know that from a very early age I would play in my room alone or I would go next door to the neighbor’s house to play because my mother had things to do around the house. She didn’t really have time for me. I was alone.
That neighbor was 60. I was around five or six when it started and around eight or nine or ten when it ended. He said he was my friend. He took advantage of me and my naiveté. He wasn’t my friend. I was alone.
At fifteen I stole a check from my parents, bought a greyhound bus ticket going from Oakland to Los Angeles and ran away from home. I didn’t know what else to do. I was angry. I was lost. I was alone.
When I returned back home my parents were at a loss as to what to do with me so they sent me to live with my Aunt and Uncle in Southern California. I did not really know these people. I had no friends. I was alone.
Throughout my life I have had men who loved me. But, because I chose emotionally and/or physically unavailable men or selfish men who were never really there for me I was alone.
Perhaps the feeling was more than just being physically alone. Perhaps the problem was that I was left alone, both physically and emotionally at a very young age which led me to feeling alone as an adult.
As an adult I didn’t know how to fill the emptiness because I didn’t understand what it’s supposed to look like or feel like. I don’t recount my childhood issues to blame anyone. I recount them so I can understand how I got here and how I move forward. I know that I have been trying to figure out this sense of loneliness for a very long time.
Once I started to accept the fact that I felt alone despite my friends, despite my relationships and despite my accomplishments I began my journey. If you feel alone, maybe you can relate and begin yours.
Finding Yourself: The Conscious v. Subconscious
The question then becomes how do you stop feeling so alone? How do you get up every day regardless of how many friends you have or don’t have and feel fulfilled inside? What is it that is keeping you feeling so alone and separated from everyone else? Or, is it that you are mostly separated from yourself and until you can connect your body and mind and learn to truly accept yourself you will always feel alone?
In my opinion (and according to many psychological studies) the mind works in very mysterious ways. When you have experienced trauma it can repress pain so you cannot access it by conscious, normal every day thought. So, no matter how many times you try to intellectualize your pain away, it won’t work.
You can tell yourself one million times, “I’m smart” or “I’m pretty” or “It wasn’t my fault” or “I want to be rich” or “I can succeed” or “People are naturally drawn to me”. But, if your subconscious mind holds on to the negative belief that you aren’t or you can’t or you won’t then you end up going nowhere.
Your mind literally keeps you stuck. It keeps you stuck because it believes it is protecting you. It doesn’t want you to remember or release. It is totally natural. The problem is that being stuck in negative, self-effacing thoughts sucks beyond belief and makes your life a living hell.
So, what does all of this have to do with feeling alone? If the subconscious mind is telling you that you aren’t good enough or that no one likes you are that no one cares, then you believe this and you feel this and you still have not found a way to love yourself.
In order to stop feeling so alone and in order to love yourself you have to get rid of all of your negative beliefs about yourself. You have to sit and be alone and feel alone. You have to find out who you are, what drives you and accept all of those parts of you that you think no one can love.
The Journey
When I started this mission to stop feeling so alone I began to focus on myself. I began to focus on my passions and my needs and my desires. I stopped worrying about my ex or the relationship and whether we would get back together or not. I stopped seeking external validation from the world or others telling me everything would be okay and that I was good enough. I finally realized that I kept trying to get it from the wrong places.
I began to meditate a lot. I wrote. I created my blog and I wrote some more. I wrote about twenty-five articles. I would think and I would read and I would meditate. I turned off the television and I sat alone with my thoughts. I stopped going to happy hour. I was alone.
What happened was an amazing thing. I was alone way more than I had been before, but I stopped feeling alone. I came to realize that there wasn’t anything external to my feeling alone. I couldn’t fill this feeling with people or activities or things. I could only fill it by feeling full in my heart. I could only fill it by focusing on myself and how I could do something that would make a difference in the world, or even with just one person in the world.
Think about who you are and what you want and need. What are your strengths and your weaknesses? What do you have to offer?
Who are you deep down at the core of your being? Try and quash all those nasty messages telling you that you can’t do something or that you aren’t enough or that no one will love you. Accept yourself for everything you are and everything you want to be. Accept your flaws. Accept your strengths. Accept yourself.
What Does it All Mean?
So, in the end what does all of this have to do with feeling alone? It means that when and if you find your center and when and if you learn to love yourself and when and if you let go of all the negative beliefs you’ve been carrying around you will be full.
It means when and if you can sit with yourself long enough to find out who you are and what drives you and what brings you joy then you will be full.
No longer will you feel alone. The core feeling of separation from the universe and from everyone else will cease to exist to the extent that it has in the past.
The key is to stay centered. So, I guess most of those experts were right. The more you seek externally the more you will feel alone. The more you look inside the more you will feel the emptiness drifting away. Staying centered isn’t easy. Sometimes I find myself feeling lonely again and then I stop and realize why. I have gone off my path.
Stay on your path. If you waver, it’s okay. Brush yourself off, pick yourself up and get back on your path again. As long as you do this I guarantee that when you go to bed at night you will have just a little more peace and a little more hope and you won’t feel so alone in a world of 7 billion people.
I am in my 60’s and have felt totally alone all my adult life to the extent that it has destroyed my life. It helps me to know that you know what it is like, because most of the time I feel that I am the only person who feels this way. I do find self acceptance very hard because noone has ever really accepted me for who I am. I have Asperger’s Syndrome which wasn’t diagnosed till my mid fifties and all my life I tore myself apart trying to analyse why I couldn’t do things that most other people take within their stride. Have also torn myself apart all my life trying to analyse why, despite trying to find a partner, I haven’t met anyone to share my life with and think that it is because I am so messed up emotionally and psychologically. I have no family, which makes life harder as well. Your article is really good-I can relate to you so well.
Try not to be too hard on yourself. If it makes you feel any better my partner also has Aspergers. After 4 years (he was 40) I realized he is just ND. We’ve been together for 7 now. He is very logical. I’m very emotional. His lack of theory of mind and limited empathy can be frustrating but I wouldn’t trade him for the world. Plus, I’m not exactly the easiest person to be with. Once you accept yourself then you can find a partner who will accept you for you! You aren’t messed up your thinking just doesn’t conform to what society says is normal. But, I disagree with that assessment and think that ND people have a lot of pluses and things to offer. Including you!
Thank you for this information Carrie. I found it to be informative and interesting. I highlighted some of the things you said about our conscious and subconscious. I realize that I stay in the subconscious a lot and I find myself saying negative things because of the verbal abuse I received from my dad as a child and well into my adult life. But I realized the more I try to say positive things the negative comes right back. I have researches positive affirmations to help in this journey and I am still standing alone and still feel alone. I am married, but he is unplugged from life and it is as if nothing bothers him. Things enjoyed doing, he does them with me, but show his lack of interest so I unplug and ask him when he wants to do. Things he do does not bring me joy. I am so confused, lost and again alone.
I’m sorry you’re struggling Nicole. With a history of verbal abuse as a child you might need some more help in the way of hypnotherapy or something similar to deal with the subconscious. Unfortunately, you can’t change him so is there anything you can change to make yourself happier?
This is a fantastic blog Carrie ~ you summed up perhaps one of the biggest issues in our society in a truly brilliant way.
I totally identified with your lines, “I began to meditate a lot. I wrote. I created my blog and I wrote some more. I wrote about twenty-five articles. I would think and I would read and I would meditate. I turned off the television and I sat alone with my thoughts. I stopped going to happy hour. I was alone.”
And this that you wrote, “What happened was an amazing thing. I was alone way more than I had been before, but I stopped feeling alone. I came to realize that there wasn’t anything external to my feeling alone. I couldn’t fill this feeling with people or activities or things. I could only fill it by feeling full in my heart. I could only fill it by focusing on myself and how I could do something that would make a difference in the world, or even with just one person in the world.”
I relate to this so deeply ~ I had spent so much of my life going out into the world to find validation, connection, support and would have a very hard time being alone. Over the last number of years I have focused more on my passion for writing and wanting to share my journey with others.
Fantastic job ~ you really summed up so much of the issue in our society in a truly beautiful way.
Wow this is a very interesting article.
I think most people on the planet have only realised the meaning of isolation in the last year… But Ive felt alone and isolated my whole life.
It’s the worst feeling in the world, I felt it as a young child then some professional actually thought it would be appropriate to give me feedback at a work training course to actually call me a “loner” …and then the self fulfilling prophecy began! I felt so empty and secluded as a child abusive father and submissive mother – had a lot going on went to counselling, opened a can of worms, had depression for 10 years which set me back for friends and relationships. My dad made it clear that I was a waste of human soul and my mum always backed him up. In turn, I couldn’t emotionally connect with people, my brain and heart were too scared. People don’t realise the extent of how this feeling sets u back in life. For 35 years I have had no actual relationship I couldn’t trust men. I have friends and family but nothing I feel I am a part of or sense of belonging. People don’t realise its normal to feel loneliness after a relationship but to feel so isolated for most of your life without ever having felt liked or acknowledged – it hurts. No one can understand to feel so lonely that you have never had anyone like you or care for you. I’ve tried to talk to friends but they don’t really understand which makes me feel even more isolated. Most of the time, the people around me are the ones who’ve made me feel so alone. Like Robin Williams said “I use to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worse thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone”.
When you hear it from your friends when they talk about their break ups or exes I think to myself “at least you got to share your life with someone even if it was for a few moments”. It’s one thing to be rejected and another to be accepted. When you have been rejected it’s assumed that you were once accepted at one stage. But to never having been accepted is a completely different feeling. I did manage to find peace in my late 20s but it was more about peace surrounding my past not so much for the future and it’s loneliness. Sometimes I do think it’s because I am too deep. It is a curse as well as a gift. The most positive feeling about this all it has made me appreciate the smallest thing even if it’s a look or smile from a stranger. In turn, I take my connections with people seriously but it also shows me how many of my friends and family take advantage of the smallest things in life and how little they know of this feeling. Because of the frequency of this feeling, it has become a lot like grief. It’s like grieving for some type of loss. Because the ugliness of this feeling I have learnt to accept that I am waiting for death. Don’t get me wrong I am not looking for death but I just want peace from this feeling ..It is sad but it gives me hope to have a time where I wont feel so disconnected, alone, out of place and secluded because only death, is when we are truly at peace.
I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. I totally get it as I’ve felt alone most of my life.
I just began reading these..I hope things are better for you. I just wanted to say I understand your statement on peace….no more hurt , crying, feeling empty…I to do not want to face death…but the peace it could bring at this point would be satisfying…I will take what I have read from Carrie and others and work that into my life…I to have always felt out of place..alone..I have lost alot over my years..and have given so much too…
This was beautifully written and resonated with me. Thank you.
I’ve been reading a lot of articles on this topic over the past 6 month, having been dumped and blocked by my ex. This helps join the dots between my need for validation from her, but also my limiting beliefs regarding my wider social and work life. Just wish I could work out how best to put all of the pieces together. Great article (and that’s coming from a grumpy Brit!).
It just takes time. Don’t think of it as being dumped, but being RELEASED so you can go find someone who is a better fit and who will love and accept you for you. You can do this 🙂
I’m currently in a relationship with this guy for almost 2 years. At first he was very much into me and the relationship but as time goes by he was talking to other people and eventually saying it’s not going to work but I still tried to explain to him that we can work it out. I guessed I may have pushed him but in last dec he cheated on me with this girl. Well they had a one night thing but I still forgive him and move on. In june this year I got pregnant for him but lost the baby at 7 months. He was stillborn and i had some other complications. However we were supposed to get marry the previous year but then covid came. Now that I lost the baby I’m trying to explain to him that we can get marry in jan since we had planned to and after we lost the baby and the sufferings we both have currently. Unfortunately he’s saying he doesn’t want to marry. I’m so lost losing the baby and then having to deal with this. It’s so difficult to fix it. I’m trying but I came across this article. Its quite interesting actually. I’ve always felt alone and neglected as a child and sometimes I think life is not for me or I’ve been through so many bad moments in life that I want to give up. I’ve realized I never really worked on myself as to learning to accept it’s ok to be alone and accepting me for that instead I always think that having a perfect relationship was a key to my happiness. I always searched for that for never found it. Thank you for your inspiration Carrie! I do hope I’ll try my best on working on me.
You keep working on you and when you can love yourself more you’ll find a man who will love you too and you won’t have to convince him to be with you. You deserve that.
Wow wow wow thank you so much ☺️. I have been tearing my heart apart for years wondering why, why do I feel so lonely in a world so full. You have answered my question…. I have been try to get acceptance from others, trying to be like them, trying to fit in their way. I’ve always thought it selfish of me to do/feel my way but no more from now on I matter, I’m number one!
Rock on! Good for you!!!
That is amazing that you have come to this conclusion ~ keep up the good work and may you discover that life of beauty, peace and harmony.
Thank you!
Just what I needed to read tonight…I have been on this journey of looking within as opposed to externally…but I tonight I was triggered and I had a melt down and felt oh so lonely again…..but the universe brought me here to read your beautiful words and help me understand why I have felt this way my entire life! But ultimately to remember: “Stay on your path. If you waver, it’s okay. Brush yourself off, pick yourself up and get back on your path again. ”
THANK YOU! <3
I feel you Crystal! Its okay to melt down sometimes! Hang in there 😉
Hi Im so glad I found your article i’ve been looking for a long time and trying desperately to understand why I feel lonely all the time and why I feel like its just me and It makes me feel less lonely to know that someone understands and has a similar life story and experience. This really changed my perspective on the strategy and angle I should take to solve this feeling that beats me over the head every other day.
Happy to be of service! I’m starting to believe all change comes from changing our perspective….hopefully this will help 🙂
Hi Carrie, I just wanted to say that after having read a number of your articles, I felt a lightbulb moment. I can relate in so many of the things you wrote about anxiety, anxious attachment and how to deal with loneliness. I just want to thank you for writing these articles and in effect has caused me to not feel so alone and understanding of my situation. Keep it up! you’ve made a fan out of me!
I’m so happy to hear that I’ve helped Giovanna! I’ve had a ton of those “lightbulb” moments in my life…and probably have more to come…so I hear you!
Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.
Once again you “nailed it” Carrie.
Brush yourself off, pick yourself up and get back on your path again. As long as you do this I guarantee that when you go to bed at night you will have just a little more peace and a little more hope – Wowsome…
Thank you Matt! I totally agree.