“With fools, there is no companionship. Rather than to live with men who are selfish, vain, quarrelsome, and obstinate, let a man walk alone.” -Buddha

Many of us choose emotionally unavailable partners.  Why do we do it?  How do we stop?

What type of partner do you usually choose? Do you chose someone who is toxic, alcoholic, emotionally unavailable, unemployed, unusually close to a parent, still attached to the ex, commitment phobic, financially unstable, perpetually correct (about everything?), a harsh critic.

These are all examples of emotionally unavailable partners. These are people you should not just steer clear of, but you should RUN from. Run. Run fast.

Simplicity

Men are fairly simple and easy to figure out. I’m not sure why we make it so complicated. Most men will show you who they are right away. There are some who are really good at manipulation and those men are harder to spot and figure out, but for the most part you’ll know within the first 30 days.

Why is it we keep pretending that this guy, who happens to be so cute and nice to us, is something that he is not? Why do we ignore the red flags and keep pushing forward?

Women can be more complex, or so I’ve been told.  I have had countless numbers of men tell me they met a woman and everything was amazing and then suddenly she changed.  It was as if the woman they fell in love with disappeared and they were left confused and alone.

No one sex is better than the other and no one story encompasses all of our relationship issues, but there are some fundamental rules we should consider before we settle down with someone.  There is a big difference between getting to know someone and really knowing them.

For the most part you cannot possibly or conceivably really and be in love someone until at least a year or two have passed.  Everything before that time is infatuation, lust, getting to know someone and understanding how you mesh together.

Scream at me if you like and say otherwise, but there is a huge difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.  There is a huge difference between knowing everything about your partner and knowing just those things they care to show you.

Choosing a partner can be a difficult task for those of us with insecurities, emotional issues, baggage or otherwise unresolved traumas.  There are some ways you can avoid choosing an emotionally unavailable partner, but it requires paying attention and listening to your intuition.

Values

What are your core values? Write them down. Does this man possess those things? All of them? There is NO negotiation when it comes to core values.

If one your core values is responsibility and your partner is perpetually late to important events or can’t hold down a job, then they are not the one for you.  Some people are not as concerned with being on time.  The question here is whether this lack of attention is an indicator of bigger lack of responsibility or someone who isn’t a control freak over 15 minutes on the clock.  The latter is fine, the former is a problem.

If one your core values is honesty, but they tell you they are working when they are really out having a drink with the guys, or she is out shopping or then they are not for you.  If someone cannot even be honest enough to tell you the little things then how do you think they will handle conflict on a bigger scale?

If one of your core values is dependability, but they can’t seem to show up when you make plans or call you in sufficient time to let you know they can’t make it, then they are not the one for you.

Commitment

If he tells you he doesn’t want a relationship or isn’t ready, listen. There is no amount of charm that will suddenly turn him into your boyfriend. He is not the man for you.

If she tells you she wants to get married and have children and this is not important to you or it is not something you want. She is not the woman for you.

If they speak poorly about an ex-spouse or all of ex-girlfriend/boyfriends, run. They will end up saying the same thing about you.  They are not the one for you.

If he only sees you when it is convenient for him, run. He doesn’t want to make you a priority and he never will.  He is not the man for you.

If she always wants to see you and be around you and doesn’t let you have time with the guys or is suspicious when you are out with friends then she has trust issues.  You can’t fix those.  She is not the woman for you.

Rules

There must be certain ground rules set for people who wish to enter our lives. They don’t need to know all of the rules, but you communicate them by your actions.

Until you establish your boundaries no one will abide by them. I don’t mean you can’t be flexible. However, you should have certain requirements of your partner and certain standards for yourself.

Even friendships require boundaries.  Would you put up with a friend who only wanted you in their life when it was convenient or who only called when they wanted something? If not, then why would you put up with it from a partner.

For example, if a man texts or calls you at noon on a Friday wanting to see you that night that is not acceptable behavior.  Even if you plan to sit home in your pajamas and watch reruns you do not accept his offer.

If a man cannot respect you and your time enough to plan ahead, he is not the man for you. Do not waste your time.

If a woman only wants to see you if you take her to expensive restaurants or buy her things or flatter her then she is not the woman for you. Do not waste your time.

If a man never makes plans and you have to do all the work, he is not the man for you. I had a boyfriend once who never made plans. I used to tell myself, “he just isn’t a planner and I don’t mind doing it”. The truth was that he didn’t make plans because he didn’t care enough about me and probably didn’t care whether he saw me or not.

If a woman wants you to make every plan with her and doesn’t give you any freedom, she is not the woman for you.  She needs to be secure with herself before she can be in a couple or you will end up feeling smothered and resentful.

The Key

The key to success and to avoiding an emotionally unavailable partners is to listen, to watch and to set boundaries. Listen to the bad, ignore the good. Watch what they do more than what they says. Set boundaries for acceptable behavior and stop making excuses for them when they doesn’t follow your rules.

If you want more then expect more.  Until you believe you deserve to be treated with respect, dignity, love and affection you will not get it.  The key to choosing an emotionally available partner is not external.  The key is inside yourself and in your values and beliefs.  Get to know them. Understand them.  Accept them. Live them.  Once you choose to value yourself so will others.