“Attachment and aversion are the root cause of karma, and karma originates from infatuation. Karma is the root cause of birth and death, and these are said to be the source of misery. None can escape the effect of their own past karma.” – Mahavira
Have you ever heard of attachment styles? If not, I’m going to give you a brief summary of what they are and how they affect every relationship you’ve had and will have.
There are three types of attachment (please remember that these are broad overviews):
Secure
It’s estimated that 60% of the population are Secure in their attachment style. If you have a secure attachment style it means you are connected to your partner, you offer support when needed, you turn to them when troubled.
If you are secure then hats off to you because you are likely happier in your relationships. If you are not secure, don’t fret because you can all learn to become more secure, although it won’t be easy and won’t seem normal at first.
Anxious
If you are Anxious you constantly seek reassurance from your partner and you are highly sensitive to their moods and any type of emotional withdrawal. Because you fundamentally feel unsafe in your relationship you may require constant attention, become needy or interpret all of your partner’s actions as validation of your own false belief that they do not truly care about you.
Avoidant
There are two types of Avoidants, Dismissive and Fearful. It is unlikely an Avoidant type would even read this article as they generally do not seek help or wish to change and do not have enough awareness to know they are Avoidant.
Dismissive Avoidants seek to distance themselves from their partner. They create a world in which no one else is truly needed. They have convinced themselves that love and attachment are not required.
The Fearful Avoidant craves yet fears intimacy. They will often be involved in rocky relationships and will be moody and withdrawn at times and social and happy at other times.
Problems
If you are the Anxious type you will usually be drawn to the Avoidant type. If your partner is seriously avoidant then there is nothing you can or ever will do to create a bond of intimacy. Trust me, I know. I dated the most avoidant man on the entire planet for 2 ½ years.
While I was dating him I was not aware of attachment theory, but looking back it all makes perfect sense. He lived in his own little world. Sometimes he would let me in and then he would push me back out.
Being anxious, I was constantly worried about whether he would contact me, want to see me, what kind of mood he would be in or whether I would be enough for him. He never once fully committed to me and never cared about whether I felt safe and secure in the relationship and I kept going back for more trying to fix my own anxious attachment issues.
If you are anxious you and are dating an avoidant do you stay even if you know your partner won’t make you happy? I couldn’t leave. I tried. I tried three times and then I gave up because obviously the universe was trying to teach me something. Eventually, as I knew he would, he ended things and I never heard from him again.
What I learned from that relationship and from his avoidance was that I could calm my own anxiety despite his behavior and his constant lack of reassurance. I had to learn to sit with my anxiety and his avoidance. I had to learn to calm my own fears ans stop seeking external validation. Learning this was a valuable tool in moving forward.
Knowing
Knowing your attachment style and how to interpret the attachment style of your partner or potential partner can be extremely useful. There are tools out there to help you understand how to interact with someone who is avoidant or someone who is anxious.
I would highly suggest reading either or both of the books below, especially if you are anxious and keep making the same relationship choices.
(This Post Contains Affiliate Links. Please see our Disclaimer)
Attached Insecure In Love How to Love Or Leave a Dismissive Partner
Are you Anxious In Relationships? Here’s Why & How to Fix It
Hi Carrie
Thank you for your reply. I’ve been in therapy 2011 when I experienced panic attacks and anxiety out of nowhere with a man who i was dating for 2 years.. I felt like everything was going away from me . I put it down to unresolved grief as I had not got over my late partner.
Got into therapy told I did know how to be in a relationship that there are different types of commitment.? Met a man started relationship..he was Dismissive Avoidant and the worse he treated me the more I went back. Finally I ended it after 18 months but my anger was shoved inside not helped by the same therapist telling me to stop being a victim at a pity party ..I felt I had nowhere to process those feelings loss anger sadness grief for another ending.
Then met older man who i had admired from afar .. I tried so hard to get his attention and validation tried to be perfect sexy as I was terrified of being seen and loved for myself just as I had done in previous relationship. This man was kind caring and Anxious preoccupied..I went into meltdown with Anxiety and panic attacks especially the more vulnerable I felt and terrified if he really knew me warts and all.
Needless to say this relationship ended badly with me pulling the plug as my anxiety was so bad I couldn’t sleep. By then I was seeing a Trauma therapist who told me to keep my boundaries up…the whole thing felt chaotic and I knew my behaviour was too and I felt unable to calm down . I am very tactile and affectionate..I’m terrified of being hurt and letting someone close .
So it’s not for the want of trying to get help in fact experiencing anxiety and panic attacks the second time was distressing as I really liked him there was mutual attraction and at times I felt on cloud nine with him . Writing this I’m so upset as I can’t make it right with him . I found he was very effusive calling me precious and gorgeous and wonderful..things I’ve never felt about myself ever.
I’m attending group therapy but some have been going 7 years! I’m planning to see a psychologist who says it’s my unconscious thoughts we need to work on but personally I feel it’s low self esteem and anxiety which are the causes of being unableto have a relationship.
Bernadette
Bernadette-
Believe it or not I can completely relate. I was totally in love with an anxious pre-occupied (married man) who I became totally enmeshed with. Because he was in another state (and married) I knew it wouldn’t go anywhere so I moved on…to a Dismissive Avoidant. I knew the minute I met him it would be a disaster but I also couldn’t stay away. He triggered every attachment issues I had. I diminished my needs to keep the relationship going for over 2 years. What you are feeling is totally normal because it’s completely primal. The key is learning to control it and/or let go of it. As for your therapist – You CAN’T make boundaries when you have low self esteem. So, really its a mixture of both. I would highly suggest RTT (Rapid transformational therapy). I spent years dealing with my relationship anxiety (and still do to some extent) but was able to wipe out the insecurity from the attachment disorder in one session. Talking about things over and over only gets you so far. Your unconscious/subconscious thoughts drive your self esteem. My RTT therapist is amazing (www.nobstherapy.com) There IS hope!
Hi Carrie
How Dismissive of you to assume an Avoidant would not read this or any other articles on this. As an Avoidant I’m very emotional and knew for a long time I felt edgy with emotional closeness but I never got a direct answer in therapy when I would say that I didn’t know how to be in a relationship with a man…told that I did and that there’s different levels of commitment! After another failed relationship I went to see another therapist who talked about Attachment wounds and it felt like I had found the final piece of the jigsaw. I want to be close and if you knew anything about attachment you would know the deactivating strategies are unconscious and not intentionally done to hurt another person. I grew up in a home where there was little or no emotional closeness or support so I learnt early on to take care of my needs and not ask for anything. I realise how ashamed I felt inside to be needy if I expressed my needs. I too have been sexually abused and physically bullied regularly by siblings. When I get close emotionally to a man i feel very anxious and have panic attacks..those were the most upsetting as my behaviour was chaotic and in the end I told him I couldn’t carry on . That was May 2016 ..even now I break down when I think about him and wish I knew then what I know now. Bernie
Hi Bernadette-
I’m not a therapist and I never said that Avoidants were terrible human beings or that their actions were purposeful. The fact that you say you are “very emotional and knew for a long time I felt edgy with emotional closeness” leads me to believe you are not in fact Avoidant because Avoidants (for the most part) have no idea they are avoidant nor do they seek help or therapy because they are pretty happy (or at least content) being avoidant.
Some of us fall on a spectrum of attachment and different people can trigger different attachment styles. For example I am more of a Fearful Avoidant with my Mother and more of an Insecure individual with my boyfriend. Neither are good or bad on a scale. The key is understanding attachments and being willing to work on the issues that trigger them so that you can form a more securely attached relationship. It takes time and practice….but it sounds like you are willing to do the work. Good for you. Hang in there.