“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing.” – August Wilson

Do you know your value? Do you fear that you’re never going to find someone who loves you because you’re too much trouble, too difficult, too fussy, too depressed, too outspoken, too weird, too whatever?

If so, I know how you feel.  I always felt like I was too much trouble and that no one would really love me and eventually they would just send me away, a.k.a. leave.  So, I never went all in.  I kept pieces of myself hidden away.

Then, I met my boyfriend and I knew he was a keeper.  I knew I had to change if I wanted this one to work.  I knew he had all the qualities I was looking for in a man and if I wanted to have a truly bonded relationship that was deeper than what I had in the past things needed to be different.

So, I started to focus on some of my subconscious beliefs and how they directed my thoughts and actions.  I realized one of my main issues was how I viewed my worthiness. Maybe, just maybe, deep down inside I didn’t believe I deserved love.

What is Your Worth?

Let’s be clear. If you are insecure and you are dating someone who is avoidant all of these fears may have a basis in fact. He or she may not care. He or she may suddenly leave you one day with no word. However, if you just started dating someone and you hardly know the person or you are with a partner who has been good to you ninety percent of the time then your fears are unfounded.

Before you think about and focus on your partner and their supposed faults focus on yourself. Who was it that told you your worth? We don’t learn to value ourselves in a vacuum. Everything we become and everything we believe is a combination of our genes and our upbringing. Parents don’t have to be abusive to instill destructive beliefs in your head.

My parents weren’t remotely abusive, but they were emotionally absent in a lot of ways. The unspoken rule in my house was not to emote too much and although they loved us they couldn’t really show up for us in a lot of ways because they couldn’t show up for themselves.

This taught me that it wasn’t okay to express emotions or have needs. No matter how much I acted out as a teenager they still failed to really react. This taught me that no matter what you do or think or say no one will really be there for you so don’t count on them. That fear perpetuated my feeling that I wasn’t worthy.

On top the issues with my parents, being sexually abused taught me that my worth was what men wanted and needed from me. So, I feared that no man would really love me for me and deep down inside I thought they would keep me around until I was no longer needed. That fear perpetuated my feeling that I wasn’t worthy.

So both of those experiences established my self-worth, or lack thereof. Although I had done tons of therapy and thought I had really good self-esteem (and in many ways I did) it was so fragile that when a man entered the picture I would literally fall to pieces and my subconscious fears started to take over.

What messages did your parents give you? Or, maybe it was your teachers or your friends? Think about the voices in your head and what they tell you. Do they say you are stupid, fat, ugly, worthless, useless, dependent, difficult, strange or burdensome?

Whatever the voices in your head tell you are the subconscious or conscious messages you were given as a child. Until you can quiet those voices and stop listening to your messages you will continue to be insecure.

What Do You Want?

Sure, you can push down the subconscious beliefs or learn to cope with them, but is that what you really want? I would think that given the choice anyone would want these beliefs to be gone forever. I know I did

I had gone through five relationships where I was continually hanging by a thread. I lived in fear and blame and need. I sought out men who would perpetuate my insecurities and no matter how hard I tried nothing changed.

What are you willing to do to make your fears and insecurities disappear?

If you want to change you have to do the work. First you have to figure out why you feel unworthy. Then, start to observe what happens when you’re feeling it. What do the voices in your head say and how does your body react?

Try to dig deeper to the specific situation at hand. When he or she doesn’t call or doesn’t react the way you expect or reassure you in the right way what is really going on? Where do those fears really stem from? What do you really believe about yourself? Why do you think everything will be fine if you suddenly get the right text or the right call or the right amount of love from someone else?

If you want to learn to be secure you have to stop seeking external validation and start looking inward. Keep searching. The real you is hidden inside your mind and inside your soul. There is a part of you that has been hidden away waiting for the day you feel safe enough to come outside.

Do whatever you need to do.  First, do some soul searching and figure out what fears you have and why. Then, which are conscious and which are subconscious. If you need therapy for your conscious fears and beliefs, get it.  If you need to tackle subconscious beliefs try Rapid Transformational Therapy (RTT). I have a great therapist who helped me get rid of some my fears in only three sessions. She can be found at No BS Therapy

If you want to have a happy, healthy relationship you can be your best friend or your worst enemy.

I did the work and I finally feel secure in my relationship regardless of my boyfriend’s need for tons of independence. It’s as if I’m able to have an adult relationship for the very first time and yes, I’m forty-eight.

Stop wasting time. If I can do it so can you.