“If you look for perfection, you’ll never be content.” – Leo Tolstoy

Do you know the most powerful way to save your relationship?

Do you think you’re being unrealistic with your expectations in your relationship or do you think you’re right and your partner is wrong?  Do you think you expect too much or your partner just isn’t doing enough?  Do you think you do all the work and they do nothing?

I’ve learned a lot over the years and if I’ve learned one thing it’s that relationships are really hard for some people to navigate.  There are number of reasons for this, but it’s likely due in part to attachment. 

But, attachment issues aside we often have an idea in our head of how a relationship should be and how our partner should act or not act or how they should feel or not feel or how they should respond or not respond.

So, the question is…..

Is It You or Them?

If I look back on my relationships I have noted one consistent pattern. When I’m alone I’m pretty happy, confident, content, self-assured and can manage my emotions and feelings. However, the minute I become remotely invested in a partner it all goes to hell.

When I get into a relationship I start feeling insecure, anxious and possibly even unworthy. I feel like whatever I do or say is wrong, that I’m not enough. I start to feel like I’m not nice enough, thin enough, smart enough, funny enough, pretty enough or anything enough.

But, I also came to realize that these feelings don’t always manifest in obvious self-doubt or recriminations. Often they turns into me making my partner wrong and making him the cause of my unhappiness. He isn’t doing enough to reassure me. He isn’t saying the right things. He doesn’t compliment me. He doesn’t care enough. He can’t communicate properly. You see- it isn’t ME. It’s HIM.

Yet, I have been unable to shake the fundamental concept nagging at the back of my mind which says, “you’re the common denominator in all those relationships.”

So, I had to start to ask myself if some or all my beliefs were or continue to be true? Is it really his fault I’m not happy? Is it really because I chose wrong, AGAIN?

To some extent, I’m sure I was not completely off the mark in my observations about all of my relationships, but when the focus of your happiness relies on someone else’s actions or in-actions then Houston “we have a problem.”

What is A Relationship?

A relationship is a function of how it meets the needs of two people.  Not One.  Two.  A relationship is not all about getting your needs met by your partner. A relationship is give and take. Sometimes it can be a see-saw and give and take can swing back and forth, but it can’t be all taking and no giving or all giving and no taking.

Sometimes we don’t even recognize that we’re being needy or that we’re being emotionally selfish.  Sometimes we’re so wrapped up in our desire to feel safe and secure that we push our partner to the brink of exhaustion.

If they’re trying to make you happy and trying to reassure you, but it’s never enough, eventually they will break.

If you sit around living in your head and constantly think about all the ways your partner is failing you, then you can be sure they will fail you.

If you focus on their bad qualities and not their good qualities, then certainly they aren’t going to be the right person for you.

If you spend your time criticizing or complaining then you aren’t very fun to be around and eventually they’ll leave you, whether physically or emotionally or both.

What Do You Need?

Looking back, I think I have done all these things at some point. I think I have pushed too hard. I think I never even knew I was doing it. I think I have been living my entire adulthood trying to get someone to make me feel safe because I never felt safe as a child. Maybe I always wanted someone to come along and save me because I didn’t know how to save myself.

What about you? What do you need? What are you seeking? What are you expecting from your partner that you should be getting from yourself?

If it isn’t natural or normal for you to focus on the good or the positive you’re going to struggle in your relationships and struggle in your life. If you judge others then you’re judging yourself and it’s likely that no one will ever live up to your standards and who wants to live with that?

My boyfriend isn’t perfect. He can be a pain in my a**. He doesn’t really understand women very well so he is awful at compliments, sucks at romance, isn’t quite emotionally intelligent and treats me like a baby Marine sometimes always trying to “teach me” something.

I found myself focusing on these bad and/or irritating things and trying to convince myself he wasn’t The One because of it all. But, I had to ask myself why? Was I doing this because he isn’t the one for me or was I doing it, so I could push him away, so I could go back to my cocoon of being alone where I feel safest?

I realized it was the latter. So, I decided to switch my focus and started reminding myself that he truly cares about me and my happiness, that he’s doing his best and that he’s only human and just because he isn’t perfect doesn’t mean he’s wrong.

I decided to switch my expectations to acceptances. I decided to stop expecting him to be like me or react like me and since then our relationship has improved tenfold as has my happiness.

Changing

If you want something different you need to do something different. The truth is you and your partner may not be a good match, but you’ll never know the truth if you keep expecting them to be a certain way and you never step back and value them for who they are.

If you don’t share the same necessary qualities then you might be wasting your time.  But, if you’re expecting your man to think like a woman then you’re going to be sorely disappointed.  If you’re expecting someone to read your mind and just “know” how you feel you can forget it.  If you’re expecting your extroverted partner to stop being so outgoing all the time you’re in trouble.

So, the next time you find yourself lamenting your partner’s bad qualities ask yourself if they have any good qualities and see if you can focus on those. It’s possible your partner has no redeeming qualities and doesn’t treat you right and in that’s true then you should move on. But if they really love you and they really try then maybe you need to stop being so hard on them because maybe they aren’t the problem.

Maybe, just maybe your need for perfection and your expectations are getting in the way of having and accepting true love.