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” Never idealize others. They will never live up to your expectations.” – Leo Buscaglia
We all have expectations in life and relationships. We all want to be happy and find someone who we can love and who will love us in return. But, did you ever stop to think that maybe you aren’t happy in your relationships because you expect too much?
I believe one of the ways to kill a relationship quickly is to expect someone to be like you, think like you, act like you or respond to you in the way that you would.
Dr. Phil Would Say
I was watching Dr. Phil the other day and he was counseling a couple, as usual. The dad found out that his father (grandpa) had molested his daughter (Imagine how awful that would be) and the mom was kinda pissed at the dad because he was being withdrawn and didn’t want to confront his father or express a lot of emotions.
Dr. Phil advised the mom that just because he wasn’t emoting in the way she wanted him too and just because he wasn’t dealing with it in the way she was – it didn’t mean he didn’t care and it didn’t mean he wasn’t struggling the same way she was. This is an example of how expectations can cloud our perception and make us resentful and angry.
No two people handle emotions the same way. We are all egoistic and we tend to view the world through our own lens of reality. We’re human and that’s just the way it is.
However, when you get into a relationship with another person (even with friends or family) you now have two people with two viewpoints, two sets of life experiences and two ways of processing information. Not everyone will see things or understand things the way that you do.
Love Languages
What if you had a deaf child? Would you expect them to talk right away, knowing that they couldn’t? Or, would it be more realistic to teach them sign language so you could communicate with one another? I’m sure you would do the latter.
So, why is it when you have a partner you expect them to communicate in your language and not their own? One way people communicate is through what Gary Chapman calls “The Five Love Languages” and if your partner speaks the same Love Language as you then you will have a much easier time with your expectations.
The Five Love Languages are “Physical Touch”, “Quality Time”, “Words of Affirmation”, “Receiving Gifts” and “Acts of Service”. If you are unsure about your love language you can take a simple test on the author’s website at: 5 Love Languages Test
My main love language is Quality Time which means I want uninterrupted attention and time with my partner. It also means enjoy quality conversations and activities. I’m really low on Receiving Gifts and Acts of Service. Luckily one of my boyfriend’s love languages is Quality Time so we are both perfectly happy to spend time together whether we do activities or just lay on the couch and sit next to each other.
However, if his love language was Receiving Gifts it would be more likely that he would give me gifts because he would view that as love. Unfortunately for me I would not feel loved by receiving gifts because I would be expecting quality time.
So, you can see where expectations come into play when someone has a different understanding of love than you do. If your partner needs words of affirmation and you do acts of service there will probably be a lot of frustration between the two of you.
Gender Differences
As Dr. John Gray says, “Men are from Mars and Women are From Venus”. This statement does not imply that one is better than the other, but that there are gender differences and these differences can lead to conflicts in communication if you don’t understand one another.
Agree or disagree, but if you expect your man to listen and understand like a woman you’ll be waiting a long time. Guys, if you expect a woman to process information the same way you do then you’ll be quite miserable.
Women have more connective tissue in their brains (called the Corpus Collosum) which allows them to use both sides of their brains and enables them to process more information about a ton more things. A woman can be thinking about the thirty-five things she didn’t get done and needs to accomplish while a man will really only focus on the one or two big things.
Women tend to get upset when their man forgets to take out the trash or fold the laundry as they see it as a sign he doesn’t care about her and her needs when in fact, he just doesn’t see it as an immediate need or something that is important. It is really not a reflection of how much he cares. A man literally does not view it the same way.
So, blaming someone for not seeing things the way you do is a futile exercise. It doesn’t mean that your partner can sit around and do nothing while you are taking care of the house, the kids, the laundry, the errands, working and everything else.
What it means is that you need to communicate your needs in a way that your partner will understand.
Guys: Never tell a woman how to fix things unless she asks for your advice. Women talk. We like to talk. We have like two or three times the vocabulary of guys and boy do we like to use it. When your partner is talking to you usually it’s because she needs to vent and most of the time although it seems imperative it isn’t and once she is done talking she’ll be relaxed and can go on about her day or night.
Sometimes when vent to my boyfriend he will try and offer up a suggestion. When I go silent and get a little cold he can tell he made a mistake so he will come back with, “I’m sorry. That must be really hard for you” or something similar. Automatically I feel heard and understood and that was all I wanted. Women don’t want you to literally understand us. We want you to hear us and seem concerned.
Give her your support and some undivided attention and you will be amazed at what you will get in return. Try to see things from her perspective for a change and try not to assume you need to fix it or make everything okay.
Ladies: Never tell a man he isn’t listening or doesn’t understand you. Men listen, they just don’t listen as long as we’d like them to and sometimes not as acutely as we need them to. Men don’t understand why you are still talking after a few sentences. I mean, how often do you see men in intimate conversations discussing their feelings at the bar?
If you want a man to listen to you try and preface your conversations with, “I really need you to listen. You don’t need to do or say anything.” Say what you need to say and when you are done say, “Thank you for letting me vent” or something like that.
When a man is relieved of the requirement to “fix” something he can listen more openly and you have now enabled him to be there for you.
Clear communication
I admit I still kinda suck at this. There are many days when I’m not 100% sure exactly what I want or need so how can I tell it to another person? When I tell my boyfriend I need more attention what does that even mean? Actually, he literally says to me, “What does that even mean?” quite often, because honestly I really have no idea what I mean either half the time.
What are your insecurities? I have a massive fear of being ignored. If I think I am being ignored I go into protection mode and start to want to blame the other person. I am learning how to communicate my needs clearly and effectively.
So, almost always I will preface my needs with, “Look, this is totally about me and you haven’t done anything wrong, but when we don’t talk for xxx days I get really anxious. I really love it when you send me a text saying good morning and good night whenever you can.”
If you say, “I hate it when you don’t text me” your partner will not hear this. They will hear blame. Blame does not make someone want to be closer to you. Men especially want to feel like winners and making you happy makes them feel good so telling him he did something wrong won’t get you what you need or want.
Do your best to understand yourself, your needs and even your love language. If you understand all of this you can learn to communicate more clearly an effectively. There are a number of books on my website that I have personally used to help me in my communication skills: Communication Resources
Finally
Think about your expectations. What do you expect of others? Why do you expect it? Are those expectations realistic? Are you imposing your world view on someone else and expecting them to see things the same way you do?
Always seek to understand, then be understood. The more you can place yourself in someone else’s shoes and have empathy for their situation the more successful you will be in life and love.
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