“If you truly want to be respected by people you love, you must prove to them that you can survive without them.” ―
What do you do when your boyfriend or husband or even a guy you’re dating pulls away? Do you freak out and do everything in your power to try to get them back? Do you sulk or cry or beg and plead? Or, do you shut down, close out and go silent yourself?
There is a HUGE difference between the silent treatment and pulling away and you need to know the difference.
All men pull away at some point. It’s a biological imperative of theirs to rest and recharge and they do so by being alone and not thinking about anything (hence why he goes in his man cave and putters around for hours doing nothing).
Men are very task focused and are not good multi-taskers. If I talk to my boyfriend about an emotional topic for more than about twenty minutes, I see his eyes start to glaze over and he sort of checks out. But damn if he doesn’t go into the garage and work on making his Pelican Case more functional for hours at a time.
He’s on a mission and it’s important. I’m thinking, “seriously dude?” Who cares if your case can hold your bag up top or if your knives fit in little pockets or whatever the hell you’re focusing on. I can tell it relaxes him and I give him his space. This isn’t really pulling away, but for a girl it might feel like he’s being distant or ignoring you. He isn’t.
What is the Silent Treatment?
The silent treatment is generally used to punish you for some alleged misdeed. The point is to get you to understand the other person is unhappy with you. Someone who does this is not coming from a healthy communicative place.
The silent treatment is meant to gain control over you, the relationship or the situation. The effect is like someone who verbally abuses you because you’ll start to do anything to avoid being ignored. You may turn into someone you don’t like because let’s be honest- no one likes being ignored.
Someone who constantly gives you the silent treatment is doing more than just taking their space and if you were ignored as a child or not payed attention to then this tactic will be massively hurtful and will trigger your deepest darkest fears that you’re not lovable, cared for or valuable.
You’ll know you’re getting the silent treatment when the behavior becomes repetitive, goes on for longer and longer periods, is not meant to take a time out and think about things (i.e. has a motive) and only ends when you’re the one who apologizes for your allegedly bad behavior.
What is Pulling Away?
On the other hand, pulling away is a totally different beast. It can still be uncomfortable, but it isn’t mean spirited and isn’t meant to punish. It occurs because men have a biological need to preserve energy (which goes back to the caveman days). Think of it like an introvert who needs to be alone to refill their emotional tank. A man will need to pull back to refill his “love tank”.
Now, there are men who will keep you on a constant see-saw of emotions, pulling you back and forth and this guy more than likely is emotionally avoidant and isn’t capable of being emotionally invested in you or anyone. If you want to know more about whether the guy you’re dating might be avoidant you can read up on it here.
I’ll use my SO as an example because he’s on the extreme side without being avoidant. He is singular focused. I know that when he’s with me he’s with me but when he’s at work he’s at work. If he has a lot on his plate when it comes to work, he tends to pull back a little because he can only handle so much. I don’t take it personally.
Men will also pull away if you’ve been spending a lot of time together and that’s totally normal. So, although you might be digging all this new-found intimacy and be thinking, “wow, he’s so amazing and this is so great”, take heed. It won’t last. Be prepared for him to disappear for a day or two (or even a little more) and don’t freak out about it.
John Gray, Ph.D. calls it the rubber band theory. He says, “When a man pulls away because he feels a need for his own space, a woman becomes concerned, and says she wants to talk about his feelings. However, this is the opposite of what a man wants to do. In reality she should talk about the relationship when he is open and receptive — not when he is pulling back. Remember, as I wrote in several Mars/Venus books, ‘men are like rubber bands.’ They pull away, and they bounce back. So what can you do when he’s pulling away? Actually, ignore him a bit and engage in other areas of your life, don’t make the mistake of making him your primary connection to having a social life.”
Lesson Learned
So, ladies. The lesson for today is don’t run after a man! Don’t have an incessant need to talk about the relationship, where it’s going and what it means or you’ll likely drive him and yourself crazy and you might even damage the relationship beyond repair. If you need further advice on what to do if he pulls away read here.
Healthy relationships are made up of two people who can maintain their individuality and come together to create something beautiful. Let him be who he is. If he’s a normal guy let him be and if he’s a manipulative sh** giving you the silent treatment then dump him and find a real partner.
I am going through a very difficult break-up with someone who left me. I was told by a psychiatrist friend she is borderline. She went through the classic phases like idealization and devaluation. She also needed a “break” several times, then we would get back together, until the final discard. Looking back, when I saw that she was pulling back, I should not have chased her, even though it worked in the sense that we kept going out, but she was never as before, wanting more and more time alone and controlling the relationship entirely: deciding how often, when and where we would see each other. I went along thinking we would go back to that wonderful time at the beginning, which lasted over a year, and we were very happy. But three years into the relationship, she wanted to be friends, until she finally had enough. Most people who go out with borderlines don’t see it coming because it is great. Often when she didn’t like something, she would use the silent treatment and never wanted to talk about the relationship. I found it hard to accept the break-up because we got along extremely well. In any case, I passed by the other day on the street, after one month withough seeing her and she didn’t say hello. I talked to her friend who then tried to point out this out to her, and she replied that she doesn’t want to talk about me. So I have to accept that this is over. I find it also hard because she wanted to be friends before and we both felt like each other’s best friends. We were also very much in love. So now it is over and she doesn’t say hello and doesn’t want to talk about it. I find in general the silent treatment and not wanting to talk childish. In any case, now I have to accept. I have spent the last month constantly thinking about her and finding this incredibly difficult because she was very much in love with me and as I said, we got along so well. There didn’t seem much reason to end it. I have to find the way to accept and let things be.
I think it’s time to create some value for yourself. Whatever HER issues are, what are YOUR boundaries? Why do you allow such behavior? It sounds like you are trying to subconsciously fix another relationship in your life through her.
I can never communicate what’s bothering me it’s always perceived as an argument and met with I guess I’m just a pos to overdramatize and avoid I’m kinda at the point where I’m just gonna stop trying. it feels like nothing is appreciated anyway as he regularly corrects everything I do. I’ve been here before for almost 20 years and I can’t believe I’m back here just in a prettier package…
It could be a ton of different things. It could be his coping mechanism. It could be your way of communicating. It could be that he is on the spectrum (my SO is and cannot listen to feelings and always deflects and avoids conflict).
Talk about torture. I was love bombed 9 years ago by older man. Spent 3 years in a very intense passionate relationship that was perfect. He proposed marriage, I said yes he moved in then created a fabricated fight and moved back 400 miles away the next morning. I figured it was the end. 3 months later he got a job offer and asked if we could start over and he moved back in. 9 months later he created a fight and moved 400 miles. I asked him if this meant it was over he said no. I’v been doing the long distance thing for several years with constant silent treatments, anger and then romantic vacations. This is insane. He refuses to communicate and says I need to accept him for who he is. Sex is off the charts, but no communication of where I stand in his life. It’s all mysterious. I finally couldn’t take the uncertainty and told him I’m moving on. I never got a response
Good for you. You deserve better!
That sounds like torture and it sounds like he will keep doing it as long as you allow it. Good for you for moving on. But, be careful as he will probably come back as soon as your start moving on. It always happens.
I’ve been in a relationship for 5 months. He has pulled a ghosting act as it’s called these days several times. The longest was for 4-5 days. We would text and then nothing. I know that he’s having financial issues which stems from him trying to help his mother that’s using him and they have a rocky relationship because of this. We’ve talked about it, he’s confided in me about a lot of things. So it can’t be him needing time to deal with issues when we’ve literally went in depth with his feelings about it. I even suggested he does some therapy. However, I’ve expressed that I don’t like when he does this. He could at least shoot me a text and let me know he will be out of touch for a few days and need to handle some things. At least I know he is ok and not ignoring me. I’m to the point where I’m fed up. I feel alone in the relationship and whay’s surprised is at a time he was sweet, caring, and seemed genuinely interested. I don’t get that feeling and I want closure to figure out what’s going on because at this point we haven’t said it’s over but I feel like it is and I’ve never gotten closure in prior relationship so I would at least like that now. I’m really hurt by his actions especially since I’ve been going through some things myself in which he knows about but he hasn’t been there for me while I’ve always been there for him. I’m beginning to feel like the relationship is one sided.
It doesn’t really matter what his problems are. What do YOU want and need from a relationship? Tell him what you expect and if he can’t do it then just move on. It sounds like he wants the benefits of a relationship without the work.
Great article and I really love the fact you’ve taken the time to not only reply, but give great advice to those that have made comments on the article.
I recently had a guy I was dating pull away for a week, i inwardly spiralled about the situation but gave him space and it revealed more about me than him. I did some work on myself and why I was triggered. I feel more in control and after I discovered he’d had a lot of stuff going on that he needed to deal with. I’m glad I read this and gave him the space or not chase. Thank you.
Good for you! It’s hard sometimes when we’re in that negative, insecure space. Just know that you can never do anything wrong with the right guy.
I have been dating this guy for few months now. We both are from different cities like 2-3 hours away. We met and dated, stayed together for weekends. He gives me all his attention to me whenever we are together, he wont even touch his phone for 8 hours at least. I get all the attention I want. But that moment I realize that when he is busy or focused on something, Im not gonna get his attention either. But somehow everything is smooth. Just sometimes whenever we both are busy at work, we stay silent. Somehow he will break the silent when Im too quiet. He was so jealous when i wanted to meet a local football player for a coffee, i didnt go alone of course, i went with my sisters. He wont really go missing much. But for the past 1 weeks things are not really ok. 2 days he was busy because someone died in the family. I can understand that situation, but he didnt bother to text me at all like for 15 hours. The next day itself he had a work trip to neighbor country. he do msg here and there, but he was extremely busy at work there. then he came back to our motherland, he messages saying he has touched down. and since then til now like 50 hours no text or call from him. i am also keeping quiet, i dont feel like i should disturb him. if im important, he should text me right. so its either he is overwhelmed with this relationship with me or im only an option for him. im so confused. i feel sad but at the same time i dont want to get carried away and hurt my own heart.
Unless you have defined your relationship as exclusive then he doesn’t really owe you anything. It sounds like you both need to sit down and talk about expectations. What is it you want from him and if he can’t give it that’s okay, but then you should move on. My BF has gone days without texting me sometimes….he’s just an awful communicator. Everyone is different, but you need to decide what you want out of a relationship and what amount of communication is acceptable for you.
I had been seeing a man for almost 2 years going great we are in our sixties, but when things go wrong, is when an ex of his of a 3 month relationship ,comes around he then becomes different. He invites her to stay over night and the last time I ask if there was something going on he explains i am jealous. No I am not. So I called her ask the same question she explains to me he as been asking her for sex and maybe I don’t give him enough for 2 years. I reacted upon that and gave his key back and took my clothes. He has not reached out to me giving a silent treatment. I need advice
If you want a committed relationship then find someone else as he obviously doesn’t want one and if he doesn’t there isn’t anything you can do. You certainly don’t have the right to call the ex unless he has said you two are exclusive. Good luck!
My ex and I have not been talking for quite sometime and I guess the relation is more or less done. I still get the urge to connect with her for a closure. I know, this is not going to fetch anything but is closure necessary ? She is the one who has abandoned me. I feel I cannot move ahead without the previous doors being closed. And then, there comes a thought that do I really need to do this as she has done that for both of us. I feel confused. And these feelings would come and go. Need some guidance here.
You CAN move on. You CHOOSE not to move on. Our beliefs are not facts….start believing that you can.
My girlfriend and I stopped talking, we did not talk for almost a year. No contact strictly, after a year I wrote to her friend and she connected the two of us. We started talking again and it was beautiful. I flew her to be with me for 10 days (Long Distance Relation) ever since she went back, she stopped talking again. I wrote to her and she would barely reply. Rather get mad if I called her. I wrote an email to her to ask what is happening and she never replied to me. We have not been in touch again, it has been almost 3 weeks now. I wonder what is going on ?? She starts to talk and stops talking at her will and she knows that abandonment is the worst treatment for me and yet she does it with me. Please suggest what should I do ?
Move on. Someone either wants to be with you or they don’t. Her behavior is inconsistent and inconsiderate and it will keep going on if you allow it. Protect yourself, establish your boundaries. She has been put in your path so you can learn to put yourself first and stop allowing bad behavior. Do not look to her to stop or fix it. You can do this!
I have a strong feeling that I will not be able to find anyone who is right for me. I wonder about my situation and feel depressed. I try to keep myself busy with a lot of things and work but then there comes a time in the day when I am by myself and that is the worst time of all. I have been reading the book you recommended “Lost Connection” but the thought of being alone scares me. I have lived alone all this while and am back to the same spot. Please do recommend anything more that I should be doing or consider doing.
You can either BELIEVE you will find someone and that things will work or not. I have always believed that I would find a partner even when it took 4 years to find one. A lot of what you’re experiencing is a belief and not a fact. Trying shifting your beliefs. Carrie
Hello Carrie, thank you so much for instilling the confidence in me that it will all work out and all we should do meanwhile is continue to work on ourselves. There is a saying “A fool learn from experience”. I am a perfect example for it. I took advice from you as suggested to move on yet, I thought I should take my chances and try to see if at all things workout between me and my ex. I approached her and all it took was 3 days to be where it all started. We got into an argument and I told her to call me, she read my message and it has been 4 days. I got my answer and when I realized all of it, I was thinking about what you wrote to be allowing bad behaviour is on us. You were right and spot on period. I thank you again for guiding me and at the same time urge people who are asking for advice from you to follow what you say. You’ve been there and done that with a learning curve far more steeper than people who are seeking help in their troubled times. Thank you Carrie.
You are so welcome. But, you did the work and looked inward so remember to thank yourself for knowing what you want/deserve.
Me and my partner have been together for 10 years he suffers from severe anxiety and depression and was told he has a low testosterone about 3.months ago which really depressed him but we had sex after he’d seen the doctor about it and now when asked why doesnt he feel like having sex with me he says its not me it a chemical reaction with him whats that suppose to me and i know im worth so much more he has time alone all the time in fact every 3 to 4 months he goes away for 2-3 days he has a drug problem is that why he has a chemical reaction or is he wanting out cause ive told him i dont need to be in a relationship with him yes we do have 2.kids but life goes on
So, co-parent with him. It doesn’t sound like you have a relationship, but a parent-child connection. You can’t fix his issues, nor should you. Not wanting sex is a natural reaction to being put on anti-depressants so don’t take it personally. What you need to ask is whether you want this relationship and if so, why? What are you getting out of it? Is it a true partnership? If he has problems with drugs the issuing isn’t pulling away-he needs help that you can’t provide.
Hi, Carrie! I argued with my boyfriend whom I date for almost 2 y. He seems to pull away since. I was so insecure and it drives me crazy and I sent him so many texts asked and explained about everything and I apologised to him about the previous situation that caused us argue. he said “it’s okay” and then when I told him I want this relationship to work, he answered with only “don’t worry”. And then days later after no contact, I texted him again telling him I was so stressed bcs of his behavior toward me. That he act distant and cold and careless though I apologised before. then he replied: “don’t think about it. I am just having a me time since I have so many things on my mind” then I became more relax and relief. But after that he continue to pull away. sometime I text him first after 4-5 days being no contact. And he always replied but with cold and short word like he not interested. What do you think about this, Carrie? What do you think I should be doing bcs I am so insecure. I am afraid that he would leave me. Please give me some advice. Thank you so much!
I think a boyfriend who continually goes no contact for 4 days that you have to chase after is not a boyfriend. I’m guessing this is long distance and online. If so, I would suggest that you work on self soothing and try to find someone in person who wants a relationship. He isn’t acting like a boyfriend. Guys go hot and cold off and on but if its’ prolonged and consistent then he is either not wanting a relationship or is too immature to know how to be in a relationship, neither of which you want. Never chase after a man. If he wanted to talk to you he would. I know this isn’t what you want to hear but I don’t think he is really that interested and your fear of losing him is keeping you holding on too tight which is pushing him away even further.
My partner of 10 yeara told.me he doesnt have any chemical reaction when asked about why dont we have sex
Its normal for people to grow apart, especially after 10 years. However, my guess is that the issue is deeper. If he doesn’t feel loved and appreciated by you he won’t want to have sex with you. Sex is only a part of a relationship. Dig deeper. What’s really going on. If you aren’t having sex and he isn’t attracted to you then why are you still together? Is it time to work on some things or move on?
hi i still love my x he pulls away a lot and silent treatment when we meet again he said je wants to do things like come c me then lets me down with excuses he never does what he says he is confusing me what can i do x
Watch his ACTIONS. Ignore his words. Set up better boundaries. YOU get to decide what is okay and what isn’t. You establish what you need and he can either do it or he cant. It’s okay if he can’t but then you MUST leave or you’re allowing the bad behavior to continue and then that’s on you.
Very insightful I gained new perspective as to why men pull away and need thier time.
I am in love with my ex still after 4months of silence. I want to see her and or speak to her. I don’t feel she wants to speak to me or see. She hasn’t tried to contact me at all. I’ve made several attempts to reach out got nothing back. The last thing she told me was she doesn’t know and she doesn’t want to talk about it. What am I to do
Move on. There’s nothing else to do. LOVE is not about what YOU want. If you truly love someone you want what’s best for them and if they don’t want you then you accept that and move on with your life. Pushing someone to be with you is just selfish and is not true love.
I am just so lost, I am very alone and don’t know what to do anymore to be happy. I really need someone who understands me to give me some guidance.
I think most of us feel lost and alone to some extend. Clearing that loneliness begins inside. Start practicing gratitude. Think about what it means to BE alone v. FEEL alone and what you need to stop feeling alone. I’d also suggest the book Lost Connections by Johann Hari