“The desire to love someone always exceeds the desire to be loved by someone & that’s exactly why we end up loving the person who doesn’t deserve that LOVE.”― Anirban Bose, Bombay Rains, Bombay Girls

Can we have a little girl talk for a minute? Can we talk about the reality of having an affair and being a mistress? Can we talk about the truth of what’s going on and how its affecting you and your life?  Look, I know how you’re feeling.  I get it.

I know you think your relationship is different than everyone else’s. Let’s be honest. It isn’t.

I have been in your shoes. Yes, I was a mistress . I was separated from my husband and pending a formal divorce. I reunited with an old boyfriend on Facebook. He was still married. Unhappily, but still married with two children. I had gone through eight years of little to no communication with my soon to be ex who literally didn’t want to talk to me and I was starved for affection and attention.

When this man and I began talking I felt the flood gates of emotions opening. The connection was instantaneous. Soon we were talking on the phone, chatting and emailing all day if we could get away with it.

The feeling was euphoric. I can only liken the experience to being on heroin (although I’ve never done heroin, I assume by what people say) because I felt like he was a drug that I needed and craved constantly. We couldn’t get enough of each other.

We both had these holes in our hearts where something was missing, and it felt like the missing piece of the puzzle had been found. I thought he was my soul mate and we were destined to be together forever.

Sound familiar?

I know you think things are meant to be with your man. I know you feel like this he understands you and cares for you like no man has before and like no man ever will. I know how you feel inside your heart and soul.

But maybe, just maybe you’re wrong. Maybe, just maybe you should stop and use your head for just one minute. I’m not saying you must, or you should, because we all have free will. What I’m saying is you should be realistic and objective about the truth and take a long, hard look into what you’re feeling.  Feeling something doesn’t make it a truth or a fact. It’s just a feeling.

What Is the Truth?

The truth is he stood at the alter and said, “I Do” to another woman. He committed to love and cherish and honor her and he has now betrayed that commitment. The truth is he’s a cheater.  This doesn’t necessarily make him a bad man or a bad person, but it means his ability to face conflict in a healthy way appears to be compromised.

Like Dr. Phil always says, “You don’t turn outside of a marriage to fix problems in the marriage.” I’m sure he has told you horror stories about his wife and how mean or awful or non-sexual she is and how he has tried everything, and nothing has worked. I’m sure he has portrayed himself as the victim and you are somehow his savior.

But the truth is you know nothing about their marriage or their life other than what he tells you and his view of things is likely skewed. You don’t know who she is as a person or a wife or a mother an you don’t know if she’s doing her best like the rest of us and he decided rather than going to therapy he’d have an affair because that was much easier and it met his needs which was most important.

What if you were married to him and he had done this to you? How would you feel? The truth is your relationship has started on a bed of betrayal and distrust, hiding and lies.

The truth is that less then twenty-five percent of people leave their spouse for the person they are having an affair with and the chance that your relationship will work out and not end in divorce? THREE TO FIVE PERCENT. Yes, that’s 3-5% chance that it will work.

I know you think you’re different and that you’ll overcome the odds and yes, it is possible, but the truth is the odds are against it.

Why It Won’t Work Out

Frank Pittman, Ph.D. wrote a book entitled Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy where he lays out the nine reasons second marriages born out of affairs fail which are:

  • Stimulating unreality: Basically, you are both living in a fantasy world and you’re so caught up in the infatuation and the idea of each other that you haven’t taken the time to reflect on the reality of the relationship.
  • Overwhelming guilt: The partner who leaves their spouse eventually begins to feel guilty for wrecking the family and inflicting pain on their previous partner once they are out of it and living a new life with someone else.
  • Financial sacrifices: Divorce isn’t cheap. Usually the wife will end up with the children and most of the custody which means the man will pay more. Once in the new marriage he will become resentful that he doesn’t have as much now as he did before, and you may be the source of his resentment
  • Trust issues: This is a no-brainer. Obviously, you will both have trust issues. Your relationship started out based on betrayal and you may constantly be wondering, “If he did it with me, will he do it to me.” You would be justified in this fear because the chances of him cheating again are over three hundred percent.
  • Sacrifices: Couples who marry after having an affair often believe that the greater they sacrificed during the affair the greater expectations they’ll have of the other person once in the marriage which aren’t likely to be fulfilled. In other words, if you feel like you’re sacrificing your youth, your time, your energy on him now you’ll expect him to give ten times more once you’re married.
  • Both distrust marriage in general: Let’s be honest. If he cheated and could leave his marriage for you can you really trust the idea of marriage? He will also be distrustful of marriage in general knowing he failed once, and he could likely fail again.
  • Inability to establish a deeper connection: Affairs are often surface relationships. You may think you know everything about him and who he is as a man, but do you really? Have you lived with him on a day to day basis? Picked up after him? Figured out chores and finances and child-rearing before rushing into a new marriage? If not, then you really don’t know the truth about who he is and what he’s like other than what you assume by your clandestine meetings.
  • Must maintain rescue fantasies: During the affair and the divorce you felt like it was the two of you against the world which keeps the affair going, but, doesn’t allow for growth in a marriage if you continue to play the old roles.
  • No shared history: You don’t have the history he had with his wife and children if he has them. You didn’t share holidays and vacations and watch him grow his business and his life. Trying to start over again without a real history can feel lonely and disheartening because you won’t want to hear anything about his ex-wife and their life together, which is part of his history whether you like it or not.

So, those are the nine reasons which he believes are why relationships fail. These are sound reasons and the fact of the matter is your chances of falling into one of these nine categories is pretty high.  Your life isn’t a made-for-TV movie. People get hurt. Lives are wrecked. Children are devastated and all because he wanted to do what he wanted and you went along with his selfishness.  Can you bear that?

In My Case

So, what happened in my case you’re asking? After two years of pursuing this man and this relationship I got tired.  He told me he wasn’t ready to leave his wife and family, and I got tired of being an afterthought. I got tired of being fifth on the list.

Over time I was ready to put myself out there again and dated for about two years, was single for another few years and two years ago I met my current boyfriend who is literally the best thing that has ever happened to me.

My “friend” is divorced. He has a new girlfriend. In all reality it never would have worked. He lives in Vermont. I’m a California Girl. He’s more of a hippie. I’m not.  We are more like best friends and we still have a connection and have a deep admiration and respect for each other and for that I’m thankful.

I believe you must let things go to let things in. You need to let the Universe unfold as it is meant to be instead of trying to mold it to your own purpose if you want happiness. I realized I was pushing so hard to make something happen with that relationship that shouldn’t have happened because I was trying to control my outcome so I could control my life.

Looking back with some clarity I can see that as bonded as we were and as exhilarating as it was it wasn’t real. I was enamored with the idea of him, of romance, secrecy, fantasy and some unreal and somewhat silly vision of the future I had created in my head.

Why are you hanging your hopes and dreams on one person and not only on one person, but on one who isn’t even available??????

I know you think you have something true and real and special. Take a moment and be honest with yourself. Do you really? Are you willing to risk the rest of your life and your future on that bet?

If you want to do something for the relationship, then the best thing you can do is separate. Go work on yourself. Figure out why you’re attracted to someone who is totally unavailable. Let him work out his marriage or get a divorce. Stop living for immediate gratification. You aren’t teenagers.