“My significant other right now is myself, which is what happens when you suffer from multiple personality disorder and self-obsession.” – Joaquin Phoenix

The DSM-V (Diagnostic Statistical Manual), is what psychiatrists and psychologists use to define psychiatric disorders and illnesses.  It is like the bible of psychiatry.  Just a little, FYI- sociopaths are not considered to fall under any of the personality disorders listed in the manual, and is therefore not specifically diagnosable.

However, most medical professionals place them under the same umbrella of functioning as an individual with an anti-social personality disorder. Basically, there is no such psychological diagnosis as “sociopath” or “psychopath”.  They are offshoots of someone who has anti-social disorder.

Today we use the term sociopath to cover such a wide range of traits and habits that I think it is continually and abysmally misapplied.  Anti-social individuals must have the following significant impairments in personality functioning which include:

Impairments in self functioning (a or b)–

  1. Identity: ego-centered; self-esteem derived from personal gain, power or pleasure;
  2. Self-direction: goals are based on their own gratification; lack of internal controls which allow them to conform to lawful or culturally accepted behavior.

AND

Impairments in interpersonal functioning (a or b)–

  1. Intimacy: unable to have intimate relationships (often use dominance or intimidation to control others or exploit them by deceit and coercion);
  2. Empathy: lack of concern for other’s feelings needs or suffering; lack of remorse after hurting or mistreating another.

So, what does all this mean you ask? It means that just because that partner was or is a selfish jerk they aren’t a sociopath.  It means just because someone doesn’t want to be in a relationship with YOU they aren’t a sociopath.

Another term often used is  interchanged with sociopath is psychopath, which is also not a diagnosable condition or disorder.

In truth a psychopath is the worst of the worst on the anti-social personality disorder scale.  Before you use this term, think Jeffrey Dahmer, a guy who drilled into his victims and poured acid into their brains so he could keep them alive as zombie like companions. Now, that’s a psychopath.

Who Isn’t A Sociopath

The spouse that cheats on you and lies about it isn’t a sociopath.  Now, if they do it in every relationship and have multiple partners and have no remorse, then it is more likely they fit the bill.  The guy who has twenty girlfriends just because he can and he doesn’t feel like settling down yet, or the woman who uses men for money isn’t a sociopath.  It takes more than this to truly have a personality disorder.

I will relate a personal story of someone that I dated who I’m still not sure might have been a sociopath.  I prefer to think of him as damaged and confused, but who knows.  To make a long story short, this man pursued me for months.  He was in the military and by the time he finally “won me” over he was set to deploy. I agreed to wait. We would email and skype and talk and texts for hours.

Six months into the deployment he ended things.  Don’t ask how, but I found out that he had another girlfriend the entire time we were supposedly exclusive (that he broke up with on the same day) and he had said all the exact same things to her.   But wait, there’s more!  Then I found out he also was using a fake name. Why?  What else could he be hiding?  Yes, not only did he have a fake name and another girlfriend he had a wife and a son at home in North Carolina.

So, this man balanced all three of us, never confusing names or emails or skype sessions.  He lied and lied and lied and never for one minute was he not believable (and I’m no fool) when I asked about the future or about our exclusivity.  When he ended things that was it. I never heard from him again.  Now, if anyone I have dated comes close to being a sociopath he’s it.

So, if your partner is selfish they aren’t a sociopath. If he wants to watch the ball game or go out with friends) instead of go shopping with you on a regular basis he isn’t a sociopath. He’s just a jerk.  If she only likes you when you buy her brand name purses or uses you for nice dinners out she isn’t a sociopath. She’s just a bitch.

Who Is A Sociopath

When you think of a sociopath think of someone like Drew Peterson or Scott Peterson or Aileen Wuornos.  Sociopaths may fit into society in some ways, but they do not fit in entirely.  They can be charming and seem normal on the surface.

But, remember, they have to meet all of the criteria above to be diagnosed with a personality disorder.  So, the next time you start to call someone a sociopath think about it first.  Do you really know enough about the person to make that determination or did you read some two minute article on web MD and suddenly think you’re an expert?

Oh, The Lovely Narcissist

There is actually a personality disorder known as Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  According to the DSM-V. To be diagnosed as a true narcissist individuals must have the following significant impairments in personality functioning which include:

Impairments in self functioning (a or b)–

  1. Identity: defines self by others; exaggerated self-appraisal which may be deflated or inflated; they can vacillate between extremes; emotional regulation mirrors fluctuation in self-esteem;
  2. Self-direction: goals setting is based on gaining approval of others; personal standards are unreasonably high so they can see themselves as better than others or can be too low based on their sense of entitlement.

AND

Impairments in interpersonal functioning (a or b)-

  1. Intimacy: difficulty recognizing the feelings or needs of others, excessively attuned to their reactions but only as relevant to themselves, over or underestimates the impact they have on others;
  2. Empathy: generally superficial relationships and are mostly used to serve self-esteem regulation, predominance for need for personal gain.

So, as you can see calling someone a narcissist is simple, but actually figuring out if they are one is not so easy.  It isn’t enough that the person is self-important or self-absorbed or ambivalent at times.  It isn’t enough that they aren’t interested in you the way you want them to be (maybe you aren’t their cup of tea). They could potentially have an avoidant personality disorder, but that is another topic entirely.

Who Is A Narcissist?

A true narcissist will have the same issues running throughout the course of their lives.  They won’t suddenly appear with one person and disappear with the next.  Often people are at different stages in their lives which may make them act ambivalent, or self-absorbed or insecure.  Exhibiting these characteristics now and again does not make them a narcissist.

Remember the fable of Narcissus?  He was known for his beauty and would stare at himself in the pool so he could see his own reflection and fell in love with the reflection not knowing it was just an image.  He stared at the image so long that died (there are multiple explanations as to how he died but they are basically all related to his being absorbed with his own beauty to his fatal detriment).

Obviously the true narcissist is more in love with themselves than with you.  They see everything they do or everything you do or don’t do as a reflection of themselves and they are severely affected by the things extrenal to themselves.

Who Is Not A Narcissist

That boy in college who didn’t know how to share his feelings and would sometimes become possessive only because he was too young and didn’t know any better is not a narcissist.  He needs to grow up and gain some maturity.

The partner who is overly obsessed with their hair and make-up or whether they wear the right clothes or have the right shoes is not a narcissist.  They are likely just insecure.

So, again I beg you all to please stop throwing around these terms and labeling others.  We don’t always know someone’s true nature and to judge others is not only detrimental to ourselves it is becoming a detriment to our entire society.  Labeling and judgment and hatred go hand in hand.  Maybe you should try looking in the mirror before you start taking someone else’s inventory.

Next time you want to call that ex-partner or boss or friend or lover a narcissist or a sociopath think long and hard and maybe go to medical school before you do so.

***disclaimer***I do not profess to be in the medical profession and any opinion herein expressed are solely my own.  Information was gathered through my summary of the DSM-V criteria.