“Maturity is what happens when one learns to only give a fuck about what’s truly fuckworthy.” – Mark Manson

I’ve been doing a lot thinking about what happiness is and what it isn’t. I’ve been wondering about what I want versus what society is telling me I think I should have. I’ve been drilling down into what happiness means to ME and not what others tell me it should mean.

Last week my SO was off training in the South. I’ve never been so I decided to fly out and spend a week with him. He was working 12-14 hour days so we didn’t get to see each other all that much, but during the time we spent together this is what I realized.

It made me happy to wake up next to him. It made me happy to hit a bar and play some pinball and pool (he always beats me and likes to pretend that he misses the ball every now and again so I don’t lose miserably).

It made me happy to be around people who were nice and actually strike up a conversation with you instead of looking at you like you’re crazy (nearly everyone in California).

It made me happy to be surrounded by water (I grew up on an island and the water has always been comforting to me) and the beach.

Spending 5 days there led me to question my very existence. What do I REALLY want out of my life? What do I need to be and what do? What motivates my

I grew up in a blue collar, middle class family with a father who was a truck driver and a mom who was a part time insurance broker (mostly stay at home mom).

On weekends we would go to our friend’s house. They had pinball, darts and a pool table. We would barbeque and just hang out. The kids would play at whatever they were playing at while the adults played poker.

It was free and fun and I was happy. I realized that being back in the South reminded me of those times. It was fun. I was happy.

What Does it Mean to Not Give a F**k

The older you get the more you realize that your time is running out. Your days are numbered. You start to question how you’re going to spend those days.

Your friends start dying (and they aren’t even that old), you look back and realize you wasted all those years holding onto things you should have let go of, pushing for things that were never meant to be and that you were focused selfishly and constantly inward as if you were the only person on the planet suffering.

You start wondering how you’re going to live out the remainder of your days and what happiness really means and maybe it isn’t all those pretty pictures on Facebook and Instagram are leading you to believe it is.

Then you really begin to wonder…..Do I want to be miserable, unhappy, stressed and depressed feeling like I’m not enough for the rest of my life or am I going to make the most of what I have?

When you finally stand up and shout out a resounding, “hell no!”, then and only then you’ll decide you better figure out what you TRULY value and want out of life and love,

According to Mark Manson, author of the Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fu** what self-improvement REALLY means is “prioritizing better values, choosing better things to give a fuck about” and you do it by “learning how to focus and prioritize your thoughts effectively-how to pick and choose what matters to you and what does not matter to you based on finely honed personal values.”

What Do You Value?

What are personal values? Personal values are reflections of our needs, desires, and what we care about most in life and when you know what you value and live in accordance with those values it leads to greater fulfillment

Good personal values are intrinsic (internal). These values are motivated by you doing them just because you like them with no reward in mind. Examples would be: dependability, loyalty, commitment, open-mindedness, consistency, honesty and courage.

Bad personal values are extrinsic (external). These values are motivated by what you get from them. Examples would be: pleasure, material wealth, the need to always be right, constant positivity, success and recognition.

The author Johann Hari stated in his book Lost Connections that studies have shown that “people who achieved their intrinsic goals did become significantly happier, less depressed and anxious whereas those who achieved their extrinsic goals didn’t experience any increase in day to day happiness-none.”

In other words, once you get that car or that house or that promotion you aren’t actually going to FEEL any happier, even if you think you will. In fact twenty-two different studies have shown that the more extrinsically motivated you become the more depressed you’ll become

Manson states, “The question isn’t whether we evaluate ourselves against others; rather, the question is by what standard we measure ourselves” and “if you want to change how you see your problems you need to change what you value and/or how you measure failure/success.”

Values Examples

Here’s a few quick stories he relates from the book about personal values/motives.

Pete Best who was the drummer for the Beatles before the hit it big. The problem was that Pete was a little too good looking and Paul and John didn’t really want him in the bad so they kicked him out (like days before they launched their big Germany tour) and replaced him with Ringo.

Now, Pete could have been miserable. Pete could have felt like a failure. Pete could have determined his value was only in accordance with being a rock star. Did he? Nope. Pete Best got a civil servant job, married a woman (who he stayed married to for 50 years) and had kids and grandkids. He decided that he was happier in this life because he believed he hadn’t really given anything up. In other words, he didn’t value adulation, money and success. He valued being a good father, husband and person.

On the other hand you probably know Dave Mustaine from Megadeth. He was kicked out of Metallica before they hit it big. Despite the fact that he went on to form Megadeth, sold over 38 million records worldwide, and became a huge success Mustaine always felt like a failure compared to Metallica (who sold 125 million) which led him to enter rehab a whopping total of 17 times! Imagine!

It would seem his value system is out of what, right?

So, How the F**k Does this Help You?

Do you see the correlation between my story and personal values? According to Hari there’s strong scientific evidence that we get the most pleasure when we simply lose ourselves doing something we love and we’re carried along in the moment.

Playing pinball and pool brought me back to the freedom of my childhood. I value simplicity. I value freedom. I value connection (I think we all value connection to some extent).

For the past few years (okay, like a LOT of years) I’ve been living in this “what I should be spiral”. I should be further along financially. I should be married (all my friends just got married after 2 years). I should own a house (those damn kids on Southern Charm are all buying houses). I should have a nicer car (even though I only drive like 50 miles a month).

I should be more personally advanced (I’m not living up to my potential). I should have an established career (despite the fact that this is my 3rd career transition). I should have less limiting beliefs (you can’t succeed unless you eliminate every last one of them, right?). I should make the law of attraction work (The LOA if done right should flow easily and effortless in life for anyone and everyone, shouldn’t it).

I should. I should. I should. You know what happens when you should all over yourself. You become out of alignment with your true self. You live in the future and you forget about the now and you become out of alignment with your personal values.

Only you can determine what your personal values are.

What I want for you is to stop expecting miracles and realize life is sometimes boring and sometimes hard and not always perfect and that we don’t live on Instagram and we never will.

What I want for you is to stop comparing. Stop caring so much what others think. Stop valuing things that are external to you. Start to appreciate the little things life has to offer; good books, drinks with friends, helping someone, laughing on the phone, gardening in your garden.

Not giving a f**k is about being able to figure out what you value most inside and live THAT life, and that you do so with integrity and a full heart.

So, get out there and live your best life according to YOU and stop giving so many F**ks about what anyone else thinks!