Never lose yourself while trying to hold on to someone who doesn’t care about losing you.— Unknown

Some days you wonder how much is too much.  How much more heartache can one person handle before you fall to pieces.  At what point do you give up and say enough is enough?

In the past no matter how much I believed in love or how hard I tried it always seemed to fall apart.

I didn’t know what it is or why it happened or how many stupid lessons I still needed to learn, but at some point you get get close to your breaking point.

Do you ever give and give and love and love and wonder why things don’t get better?    Do you continually work on yourself but find nothing changing and the only constant is the continual heartbreak that leaves you wondering…..

How much heartbreak can one person take and still survive?

A little or A Lot?

They say, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”, but does it always?  Maybe what it’s really doing is killing you little by little.   Maybe one person can only take so much before they give up.

I’m running out of fingers to count all the times that I’ve been heartbroken and disappointed. Actually, I probably ran out long ago.

Every time you think you have finally met “The One” and it turns out to be untrue it’s like a stab in the heart and your heart becomes so full of holes that it probably looks like a sprinkler. Every time you invest your energy and your hopes and your dreams in someone and those dreams are squashed it becomes harder and harder to pick yourself back up again.

The feelings you have for the other person don’t have to be long standing or deep or even true, but when they represent something that you’ve always wanted and it is torn away from you and you don’t really know why the pain is heart wrenching and the disappointment piles up one upon the other.

Why do I say all this?

A while ago I met a man.  We talked a little and then we had our first date.  We went for coffee and we strolled along the pier.  I felt safe and comfortable with him.  We seemed to want all the same things and agreed we were both ready for something serious.  I didn’t have butterflies or undeniable chemistry, but he seemed to have the qualities I wanted so I figured I’d see what happened.

As the days progressed he told me everything I wanted to hear.  He told me how he would cherish me and treat me like a princess.  He told me I was beautiful and that he wanted to be with me forever.  He even told me he loved me.  I know it seemed soon and I should have been more guarded, but who doesn’t want to hear that or believe that or want it all to be true?  We all do.

Three weeks into the relationship we went to Hawaii together.  Okay, maybe this was a stupid idea on my part, but I’m all about adventure and saying, “why the heck not?”  I don’t know what happened, but at some point during the first day things changed.  No longer was he saying, “We” no longer was he complimenting me and no longer did he ask me about myself or seem concerned about getting to know me.

Yet again, I knew it was happening and I felt powerless to stop it.  I didn’t know what to say or do and like an utter moron, again, I did and said nothing.  Everything became surface.  It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good.

But, what had I done and what had I said to change things? I don’t know if it was something I did, or if I could have prevented this happening or if I simply chose wrong for the hundredth time (yes, I exaggerate).  Could I have done something differently or was it predestined that this man and I were not meant for each other?

He never said a word to me during the trip that something was off, but I could feel it.  Why didn’t he just tell me? Why did he give up so easily and why did I think he would be any different?

When Do You Stop?

At some point heartbreak becomes too overwhelming and the disappointment too much to handle.  Although I didn’t know this man very long he represented yet another link in the chain of brokenness.  He represented another sadness, another broken promise and another “what if”.

I’m not sure why it hit me so hard. Again, I didn’t know him long enough to fall in love with him or create any deep feelings.  Maybe it’s the loss.  He was another loss. Losses piles on top of losses and these losses become so much and they become so heavy and so deep getting out from under them feels impossible.

So, do you stop loving?  Do you stop trying?  How do you pick yourself up off the floor and go at it again when your heart is broken a little bit more and you feel that nothing will ever work out so why bother?

Right now I will try to stop crying. Right now I will accept that I’m sad and lonely and hurt and feel empty inside.  Right now I will wish that I could be back at that place where I was happy and believing in a future for the first time in a long time and I will learn to accept that it was all a fiction.

I can’t do anything else.  I can’t change the past.  I can’t predict the future.  I can’t tell you if how long it will take for my heart to be open again or if it will be open.

Sometimes I fear that too much heartbreak can literally kill you.  But, for now I’m still alive and for now I will put a band-aid over  the holes and as each day goes by I will regain my strength and look to the future because the past is over.

Even when you think you have found your breaking point you pick yourself up, smile and tell yourself that it wasn’t meant to be and no matter what you’ll be okay.

**As a side note to this post (which I originally wrote in 2016) I have since met an amazing man and have a wonderful relationship so don’t let the heartbreak get to you!