“Do not swear by the moon, for she changes constantly. then your love would also change.” ― William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

One of Shakespeare’s famous lines from Romeo and Juliet goes like this, “Did my heart ever love till now? Forswear it sight, for I ne’er saw true beauty till this night”.

Let’s be honest here. Romeo was like fifteen years old and don’t forget he was supposedly in love with Rosaline the day before he lays eyes on the super hot Juliet and suddenly he’s found the meaning of true love. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Shakespeare, but this is pure B.S. You don’t fall in love the minute you meet someone. You fall into lust or deep infatuation. But, this is NOT and I repeat NOT love.

Right now, you’re probably thinking I’m old and jaded and I’ve never experienced love at first sight, but you would be wrong my friend.

What Is Love?

Yes, I’m old (well, not that old, but you know), but I did experience what I THOUGHT was love at first sight but what I later learned was a chemical attraction to someone likely brought on by my attachment issues and the feelings of desire that were aroused when I was with him.

I met him on a Greek Ferry Boat while on a vacation. He was like a Greek God. He was hot. I wanted him. So, I went up and spoke to him, if you can call it that since he barely spoke English and I certainly didn’t speak any Greek. Little did I know that would take me around the world on an eight year, mostly long distance, love affair. I married and divorced this man that I thought I loved at first sight.

Looking back, I have come to realize that what I thought was true love really wasn’t and not only with him, but with all my relationships. Or, maybe it was love in its own way, but it certainly wasn’t a healthy, emotionally independent, higher level of love.

What level are you playing at?

Tony Robbins asserts that there are three levels of love and personally I believe that where you live in your love relationship reflects where you live emotionally.

My first love was immature love because I was young and immature. My second was co-dependent and unhealthy because I was co-dependent and unhealthy. My third was comfortable, but not emotionally rewarding because I had was somewhat comfortable with myself but was still incapable of fully meeting my own emotional needs. My fourth was with an emotionally distant man because I was still insecure and anxious but starting to test the boundaries of my emotions and seeing whether I could be vulnerable with someone. Sure enough, I wasn’t ready. My fifth was a test. He was emotionally unavailable and was placed in my path to see if I would take the old route or stand up for myself and move forward. I chose to move forward.

Then came Number Six. Ah, number Six. Everything changed with number Six. I had matured. I had faced my co-dependency and low self-esteem. I had dealt with most of my attachment disorder. I had learned to set better boundaries and value myself and most importantly I had decided to become 100% responsible for my own happiness.

I’m not saying all of this was easy. It took years and even the first year with my current guy was a little rough I’ll admit. But as I progressed through the stages I learned what true love really is. I learned that I had it wrong all those years before me and this time I was going to get it right.

So, I leveled up in my love and you can too.

First, determine which level you’re playing at:

Level One:

This level of love is very egocentric and ego driven, even if you don’t realize it when you’re in it. It’s all about you and what you’re getting or not getting and often, the same goes for your partner. At this stage you’re only interested in satisfying your own needs and making sure your insecurities and fears are at bay and you usually expect the other person to do it for you.

This level can also be about trying to get the other person to meet your needs through the use of power and control. Obviously, this is the lowest level of relationship.

At lot of people will live their entire lives at this level. This level is fear based and is generally going to be somewhat unhealthy. If you’re unsure if your relationship is unhealthy you can read more here – 51 Signs of An Unhealthy Relationship.

Do you know couples who live here? Do you? The man who verbally or physically attacks his wife saying, “She pushed my buttons” or “She made me do it”? The woman who justifies cheating because she says her man doesn’t pay enough attention. These are immature, ego driven responses to problems that are based on an an inability to sit back and evaluate the consequences of their actions because immediate gratification of the self is more important.

Level Two:

Horse-trading, sometimes referred to, not so kindly as whoring. At this level you give something to get something in return. If your partner isn’t loving you the way you want or need you withhold love. If they don’t treat you exactly as you expect you to be treated then you decide you won’t treat them kindly.

If you’re at level two you look to how the other person treats you before you decide how you will treat them. A lot of women make the mistake of saying and thinking, “I deserve better”, when really the guy is giving his best, he just doesn’t know the right way to give according to you and your, standards.  This is level two thinking.

How many people do you know that complain and complain about their spouse or significant other but never look at themselves or how anything could be their fault?  They base their actions and reactions on hat their partner does or doesn’t do. They don’t take the initiative to see if there is anything they can do to improve the relationship.  They say they’ve “tried everything” which really means they tried everything they would have wanted, but not what their partner might need.

A lot of people will live their entire lives at this level, never going deep enough to be vulnerable. They never have the internal boundaries to give without receiving and know that they’ll be okay if things don’t work out or they’ll know when to walk away with grace.

Level Three:

This level of love is a higher level of love that comes from a place of giving because you want to give. Love is given without expectation of anything in return.

Here’s what you do to get more love. The easy action you take is to GIVE more love.

Love is an action.  Love is a decision.  Love is part of who you are because you have enough to give away and know the well won’t run dry. Love is given because you love and feel secure in the knowledge that you are loved in return and if you aren’t you’ll be okay.

At level three you place your partner’s needs above your own and you meet them mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically and a regular and consistent basis. You are happy when your partner is happy.

Let’s be clear, level three is not martyrdom. Level three is not sacrificing your humility and sanity to give and give while your partner takes and takes. Level three giving comes from a place of purity and calmness. If you want to maintain this type of relationship your partner must also be at level three or you’ll become exhausted with all the giving.

Although this type of love is giving of the highest order, there must be balance for it to be sustainable.

Which do you choose?

Personally, I believe my boyfriend and I are on the cusp or the beginning stages of level three. I no longer sit around worrying whether he’s giving me this or that or the other thing.  I no longer think to myself, “he didn’t text me today so I’m going to be distant.”  I give him love, attention, affection and support because I love him for who he is-absolutely and completely without requirement.

This did not happen right away or overnight.

One day I decided to let it all go, the distrust, the worry, the insecurity, the frustration and the fear. Then, I decided to try what Tony was talking about and give love without expectation of anything in return. It wasn’t easy at first.

My natural default was to withhold my love and affection out of fear or distrust. But I kept at it.

In time I came to realize the more I gave, not only to him, but to myself and the more vulnerable I could be the more he gave in return. I didn’t ask, and I didn’t expect. It just happened. He could have very easily remained a little aloof and distant, but because we are mirrors of each other.   When I opened-up, he opened-up.  As I gave more love and gave it freely, he gave in return.

That, my friends is love. If you didn’t know it before you know it now.

Love is what you DO, not what you FEEL.

What type of love do you want? What level are you playing at and what level do you want to get to?  First, decide today the direction you want your love life to take.  Then, start working on a plan to make it happen because it will happen if you do the work.

It took me five failures, five relationships, six therapists and cough-cough (I won’t say how many years) to get to this point. But I kept at it. Never give up because everything you are looking for is right around the corner.  When you look back, you’ll realize the journey was worth it no matter how difficult the ride.